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Sawyer Dilks

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Three stick figures drawn in black with bright red eyes next to a tan sweatshirt above the words “Frosh when free merch.”

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Sawyer Dilks
| HUMOR | April 16

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

first-construction Candace Do DP.jpg

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Sawyer Dilks
| HUMOR | 11/28/2023

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

The first Thanksgiving 1621

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Sawyer Dilks
| HUMOR | 11/13/2023

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

Cases of vampirism on the rise following midterms

IMG_9585.jpeg

Cases of vampirism on the rise following midterms

Sawyer Dilks
| HUMOR | 10/25/2023

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

“It started maybe a week before midterms. Drake seemed really stressed, and was always in our dorm room studying. Meals, parties, and especially Sunday worship; he shut down any invitation to leave the room and began to develop really pale skin and dark eye bags. Even after midterms were over, he wouldn’t leave, and insisted on keeping the curtains drawn,” Bius explained.

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