Among The Daily Princetonian’s most beloved traditions is our annual joke issue. For the first time ever, we’ve adapted this year’s compendium of satire, humor, and jokes online. We hope you enjoy!
Among The Daily Princetonian’s most beloved traditions is our annual joke issue. For the first time ever, we’ve adapted this year’s compendium of satire, humor, and jokes online. We hope you enjoy!
The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.
The trials will closely resemble the three traditional medieval ordeals: ordeal by hot water, cold water, and hot iron. The severity of accusation will determine which trial the student is subjected to.
This perfidious reform, inspired without a doubt by the Evil One himself, masquerades as bringing divine justice to a corrupt, human process.
Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).
Students enrolled in undergraduate or graduate programs must refrain from playing Among Us, Skribbl.io, or Kahoot, according to a recent announcement. It is unclear how this will impact the recently-renamed “Among Us clubs” (formerly known as “eating clubs”).
Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students.
Dean of the College Jill Dolan, told The Daily PrincetOnion that, in addition to colloquium being on her list of the “top thirty most fun words to say,” she hoped the catchy title of “Entryways: First Year Academic Experience Community Colloquium” would entice students.
A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 a.m. EST, office hours from 4 a.m. onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 a.m.
A recently-circulated petition calls for an increase of classes offered from 1 to 3 am EST, office hours from 4 am onwards, and USG movie nights at 8 am.
The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips.
The new feature, which has sparked much discussion among students, is more social than administrative, allowing students to share pictures and videos via Instagram and Snapchat story-like clips.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-T.X.) ’92 recently announced plans to move back to his birthplace in Canada, telling Princeton students at a virtual event co-sponsored by Whig-Clio, Princeton College Republicans, and the Princeton Tory that America is “uninhabitably liberal.”
The University’s Campus Message system has been co-opted for President Eisgruber’s personal — and often confusing — use. Last night, at about 9:15 p.m., every Princeton student received an email with the subject line “Campus Message: Felt Cute, Might Delete Later”; enclosed within was a mirror selfie in his office. Students are unsure how to react to the barrage of messages.
A footnote to the University’s budget report for the 2019–2020 fiscal year reveals that the majority of funds were used by President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 to expand his private collection of Jason Derulo merchandise. A source close to the president said that the collection includes life-size wax figurines of the singer and his background dancers, personalized vinyl records, and thousands of signed t-shirts from Derulo’s 2014 worldwide tour.
President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has changed his official title to “Tiger King Eisgruber” amid an ongoing love affair with famed big-cat rights activist and CEO of Big Cat Rescue, Carole Baskin. “What can I say? The two of us really hit it off,” Eisgruber said in an interview over Zoom, “and we’ve been emailing ever since.”
When a revealing message was unintentionally sent to the whole class, Professor Tyra Nickle, embarrassed, left the meeting. In doing so, she inadvertently ceded her powers as host to an unassuming student. “I was just overwhelmed with power,” said Richard “Dick” Tator ’22, as he took the reins of his digital economics seminar.
Excluded from the Ivy League presidents’ group chat, Dean Jill Dolan decided to stage a coup. After a failed barricade and tumultuous battle, Dolan claimed victory, declaring herself President of the University. From life in the aftermath, The Daily Princetonian releases a month-long investigation charting Dolan’s rise to power.
Antonia Foochi, a second year graduate student in the Department of Molecular Biology, developed a COVID-19 vaccine in the Lewis Thomas Laboratory over the summer. She spent the fall testing the vaccine on students in her MOL214 precept — to great success.
With significantly fewer students around, many campus squirrels feel this has been a time to establish a solid footing on campus. The squirrels were able to set up their own Furrinceton University, but are feeling the pressure as finals near. Their wish? For the students to return, and with them, normal life.
