Humor

Constipated student shows off massive dookie on LinkedIn

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

University rips up lawns just in time for Lawnparties

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester — Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering, “Where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester–Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering “where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability

Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.

Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?

As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.

As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.

First all-castrato a cappella group makes historic debut

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

BREAKING: Princeton Class of 2028 admissions list leaked

Students were able to access and leak an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released.

Students were able to access and leak an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released.

‘Chosen One’ pulls cannon from Cannon Green

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

HumOrpinion: Woke editors, stop censoring my brilliant pieces

How can the Daily PrintsAnything uphold its reputation for sharp-witted and culturally-relevant satire while censoring its writers’ best ideas? Every day, we move one step closer to a draconic surveillance state that stifles important conversations.

Fire Safety conducts blindfolded inspections to avoid disturbing unclothed students

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.

Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they won’t be seen naked.

All-male, all-ORFE a cappella group Valentine’s Day fundraiser fails to resonate

“I was pooping in the bathroom and they came in and began belting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at the stall door,” said one senior, who wished to remain anonymous. “The timing was absolutely terrible, and the soloist was pretty pitchy.” 

“I was pooping in the bathroom and they came in and began belting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at the stall door,” said one senior, who wished to remain anonymous. “The timing was absolutely terrible, and the soloist was pretty pitchy.” 

Students appalled by friends’ unattractive Valentine’s Day hard launches

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

Nude olympics revived following sudden snowstorm

Yeh College, who sent their Yeti mascot as the single competitor, won the second phase by a landslide.

Yeh College, who sent their Yeti mascot as the single competitor, won the second phase by a landslide.

Sledgehammer-wielding Eisgruber attacks anyone who violates PEV ban

As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.

As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.

Dan Khum ’24, Henry Gussler ’24 win Will D. Znutz mathematics prize for revolutionary ‘Khum-Gussler algorithm’

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”  

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”