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Humor

Students appalled by friends’ unattractive Valentine’s Day hard launches

Many red, pink, and purple hearts, assembled in the shape of a larger heart.

Students appalled by friends’ unattractive Valentine’s Day hard launches

Mya Koffie

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

“It’s actually offensive how mid this man is,” says Helen Koshuta ’26 about the medium-ugly white guy featured next to her overjoyed-looking best friend on her Instagram feed.

HUMOR | 02/16/2024

Dan Khum ’24, Henry Gussler ’24 win Will D. Znutz mathematics prize for revolutionary ‘Khum-Gussler algorithm’

A pedestrian sign in front of trees in front of a tall, square building.

Dan Khum ’24, Henry Gussler ’24 win Will D. Znutz mathematics prize for revolutionary ‘Khum-Gussler algorithm’

Michael Hwang

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

The American Mathematical Society recognize Dan Khum ’24 and Henry Gussler ’24 for their new algorithm in algebraic topology.

HUMOR | 02/07/2024

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

cloister_inn.jpg

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

Sophia Varughese

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

HUMOR | 02/07/2024

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

A stone academic building with a big door with two scooters photoshopped in front.

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

Lauren Owens

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

HUMOR | 01/31/2024
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BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

The facade of a beige building and glass door with the background of a grey sky.

BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

Michael Hwang

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

HUMOR | 01/31/2024

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

Photo of scooters parked outside East Pyne Hall in black and white.

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

Sam McComb

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”  

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”

HUMOR | 01/28/2024

Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

A stone building with a wooden door and multiple windows. There are four flags on the building, including the American flag and the LGBTQ+ flag.

Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

Caroline Rasmussen

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25 said.

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” said Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25.

HUMOR | 01/28/2024

University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

A green field surrounded by buildings with a hollow metal structure in its center.

University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

Lauren Owens

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

HUMOR | 12/11/2023

New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

A black-and-orange bus on a sunny day has the words “Free Shuttle Service For All” on its side.

New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

Sophia Varughese

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine.”

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine”.

HUMOR | 12/06/2023

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Two holiday penguin decorations on a table in the Choi Dining Hall.

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Mya Koffie

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Then here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

HUMOR | 12/06/2023

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

New south

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

Sam McComb and Fletcher Block

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

HUMOR | 12/03/2023

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

first-construction Candace Do DP.jpg

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Sawyer Dilks

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

HUMOR | 11/28/2023

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Front view of Ani Ramen with red glowing lights from the inside of the restaurant.

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Spencer Bauman

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

HUMOR | 11/19/2023

Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

A photo of a large North American beaver relaxing in a shallow pond, holding a wooden stick in its mouth.

Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

Sam McComb

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

HUMOR | 11/16/2023

Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

A red-brown gothic building with intricate arches on a cloudy day.

Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

Sophia Varughese and Ben Kim

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

HUMOR | 11/14/2023

Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Five washing machines at varying angle, from a side view

Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Spencer Bauman

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

The first Thanksgiving 1621

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Sawyer Dilks

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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