Humor

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

Cloister’s financial troubles blamed on urine shortage

Sophia Varughese

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

“We store gallons of pee in the basement to throw on people at parties, as you know,” said Cloister president Serena Stream ’24. “People have been stealing from our pee reserves for the past year, and we’ve been burning through our cash just trying to stay stocked.”

HUMOR | 02/07/2024

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Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

Athletes replace banned electric scooters with Razor scooters

Lauren Owens

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

With athletes disproportionately represented among campus scooter riders, teams are experimenting with new ways to get to and from practice. Already, many teams have opted to make the switch to razor scooters. 

HUMOR | 01/31/2024

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BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

BREAKING: Trailblazing MAE senior chooses career outside of consulting or defense

Michael Hwang

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

“This is virtually unheard of,” said Professor Martin Lockhead, chair of the MAE department. “Most MAE graduates become servants of the lucrative military-industrial complex or sell out to consulting and go to hell. Ray is a truly brave soul to sacrifice his income to uphold his morals.”

HUMOR | 01/31/2024

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Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

Despite campus scooter ban, there are still ways to score a personal injury lawsuit

Sam McComb

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”  

“It’s all so unfair. As an English major, I had my whole 401(k) riding on that lawsuit,” Richard Papen ’26 said. “If not for the cars hitting 50 mph on Washington Road, I would have to switch to economics.”

HUMOR | 01/28/2024

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Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

Charter hosts tattoo Street Week event for selective sign-in points

Caroline Rasmussen

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25 said.

“We knew this year would have to be different. We couldn’t just have cutesy little events – prospective members need to show some serious commitment to the club if they want to get in,” said Charter president Greg Marmalard ’25.

HUMOR | 01/28/2024

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University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

University replaces single choice early action program with Hunger Games-style battle

Lauren Owens

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

The top two finalists from each state and country were invited to New Jersey last weekend to participate in a campus-wide Hunger Games to prepare them for the eating club assassin games they may be playing in the future if they emerge successful.

HUMOR | 12/11/2023

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Students applaud professor for doing his job on the last day of class

Students applaud professor for doing his job on the last day of class

Michael Hwang

DeLoach’s course, “Incredibly Unhelpful Introduction to Essential Topic in Your Major,” is currently rated a 1.73 out of 5 on princetoncourses.com.

DeLoach’s course, “Incredibly Unhelpful Introduction to Essential Topic in Your Major,” is currently rated a 1.73 out of 5 on princetoncourses.com.

HUMOR | 12/11/2023

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New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

New electric TigerTransit buses powered by rats

Sophia Varughese

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine.”

“When I first saw the union contract, I thought we were being hired as electrical engineers,” said Angelica Crumbstop, one of the rats currently employed by the University. According to the job listing on Indeed, the actual job title is “Electric Engine”.

HUMOR | 12/06/2023

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Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Five innovative ways to control the temperature of your dorm this holiday season

Mya Koffie

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Then here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

Winter at Princeton got you feeling like a Katy Perry song? You’re hot then you’re cold? Here are five fun ways to manage the temperature in your dorm this holiday season. 

HUMOR | 12/06/2023

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United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

United Nations classifies spoken-word poetry as a form of torture

Sam McComb and Fletcher Block

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

Princeton spokesperson Abby Whelan praised the resolution, pledging that the University’s top priority is “ensuring students receive a quality education free of literary torture.”

HUMOR | 12/03/2023

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Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Princeton Housing Services involved in campus cover-ups, investigation ongoing

Sawyer Dilks

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (STUPID), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

We decided to launch a full scale investigation into the issue. Headed by Cheryl Locke ’24, director of the Secret Team of Uninvestigated Princetonian Issues of Danger (S.T.U.P.I.D), the team all submitted dorm repair requests under pseudonyms in order to find out just how much Housing Services really knows.

HUMOR | 11/28/2023

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Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Ani Ramen head cook reveals rat underneath his chef’s hat

Spencer Bauman

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

According to inspection reports, “Everything seemed normal, except the head cook kept jerking around back and forth in the kitchen. It didn’t seem like he knew where he was going or what he was doing.” The report continues, “Finally, as we were about to leave, [the cook] stood in front of a wall-mounted lamp, and we saw the silhouette of a rat underneath his chef’s hat.”

HUMOR | 11/19/2023

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Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

Students disappointed to lose bonfire, local beavers excited for free wood

Sam McComb

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

After Princeton football’s 36–28 loss to Yale on Saturday, while Princeton students mourned the lost opportunity for a traditional celebratory bonfire, the local beaver population were excited to receive the massive pile of wood purchased for the fire.

HUMOR | 11/16/2023

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Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

Honor Committee to pardon one violator for Thanksgiving

Sophia Varughese and Ben Kim

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.” 

HUMOR | 11/14/2023

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Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Laundry rooms to be list-only on Tuesday before Thanksgiving

Spencer Bauman

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

“With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, many students are purchasing seats on trains, buses, and planes to return home. However, unlike previous years, students are also needing to procure “laundry list-spots” before leaving campus.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Whitman and Butler dining halls to recreate the first Thanksgiving dinner

Sawyer Dilks

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

“By recreating the First Thanksgiving Dinner — a totally welcoming event that championed peace and equality — we hope students will likewise build a sense of community here.”

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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‘Saltburn’ is coming out in time for a family-friendly Thanksgiving

‘Saltburn’ is coming out in time for a family-friendly Thanksgiving

Sophia Varughese and Mya Koffie

“‘Saltburn’ is a darkly luscious portrait of obsession and visceral wanting,” says Entertainment Weekly about this year’s newest psychosexual thriller. With ‘Saltburn’ set to release to the public on Nov. 22, it’s the ideal movie to enjoy as you and your loved ones celebrate all you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.

“‘Saltburn’ is a darkly luscious portrait of obsession and visceral wanting,” says Entertainment Weekly about this year’s newest psychosexual thriller. With ‘Saltburn’ set to release to the public on Nov. 22, it’s the ideal movie to enjoy as you and your loved ones celebrate all you’re thankful for this Thanksgiving.

HUMOR | 11/13/2023

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‘Are these the people we want representing us?’: Freshman Class Council election results in disaster

‘Are these the people we want representing us?’: Freshman Class Council election results in disaster

Natalia Diaz and Arika Hassan

“What Alec did was a violation of not only University law, but moral principle,” Tracy Flick ’27 told the ‘Prints,’ in response to the actions of candidate Alec Shin-Frod ’27. Shin-Frod submitted their expenditure report in Roboto Serif font instead of Comic Sans, as is required by the USG election handbook. This automatically resulted in Shin-Frod’s disqualification from the election. 

“What Alec did was a violation of not only University law, but moral principle,” Tracy Flick ’27 told the ‘Prints,’ in response to the actions of candidate Alec Shin-Frod ’27. Shin-Frod submitted their expenditure report in Roboto Serif font instead of Comic Sans, as is required by the USG election handbook. This automatically resulted in Shin-Frod’s disqualification from the election. 

HUMOR | 11/08/2023

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Here are the 8 best places to cry on campus

Here are the 8 best places to cry on campus

Spencer Bauman

The puffy-eyed and stuffy-nosed staffers in the Humor section spent the week wailing away in different nooks and crannies on campus so we could compile our findings for you.

The puffy-eyed and stuffy-nosed staffers in the Humor section spent the week wailing away in different nooks and crannies on campus so we could compile our findings for you.

HUMOR | 11/06/2023

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University memo addresses appropriateness of Halloween costumes

University memo addresses appropriateness of Halloween costumes

Sophia Varughese

“Ideally, everyone could wear whatever they want,” said University spokesperson Andrea Brown. “However, many seem to treat Halloween like a tramp convention, ruining it for everyone.”

“Ideally, everyone could wear whatever they want,” said University spokesperson Andrea Brown. “However, many seem to treat Halloween like a tramp convention, ruining it for everyone.”

HUMOR | 10/31/2023

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