Humor

Memo from the office of important people in Nassau Hall with a little too much email access

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

SATIRE: Simon says keep the number of people in your room below the square root of the circumferential area of your largest dorm rug. Actually, don’t. Aha gotcha — Simon didn’t say! 

Princeton to withhold admissions decisions to reduce student anxiety

SATIRE: All future admissions letters will simply state, “Congratulations! On behalf of Princeton University I am delighted to acknowledge your application.”

SATIRE: All future admissions letters will simply state, “Congratulations! On behalf of Princeton University I am delighted to acknowledge your application.”

In new COVID-19 protocol, UHS will offer 10 free inflatable hamster balls to positive students

SATIRE: Following several students’ concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a COVID-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

SATIRE: Following several students' concerns about transmissibility among negative and positive roommates isolating in the same space, this new policy aims to provide a Covid-safe space for showering, brushing teeth, and utilizing shared spaces. 

Wordle Hell

Princeton announces “B Best Initiative,” retiring the A grade

SATIRE: This change is perfectly timed to impact departmental standing, graduate school acceptances, internships and job applications.

SATIRE: This change is perfectly timed to impact departmental standing, graduate school acceptances, internships and job applications.

Professor incorrectly used right to free speech, claims Princeton Closed Campus Coalition

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

SATIRE: “How can the Aristotelians on this campus express their traditional geocentric values in such a toxic atmosphere?” asked Jane Doe, spokesperson of the PCCC. 

Cold(ture) Shock

Lilly and Andy: Lunchtime Overstimulation Meltdown

Lilly and Andy: Weekday versus Weekend Lilly

Poor Giuseppe

LinkedIn junior ‘grateful and humbled’ to announce they will be making ridiculous sums of money next summer

SATIRE: “Princeton’s maxim emphasizes the importance of serving humanity, and who am I but a human?”

SATIRE: “Princeton’s maxim emphasizes the importance of serving humanity, and who am I but a human?”

Construction in your building to start in one hour

SATIRE: Students who remain on campus will return to find five cranes and 30 piles of dirt on their beds.

SATIRE: Students who remain on campus will return to find five cranes and 30 piles of dirt on their beds.

Exterminator

The Advice Cookie

Marlboro to fund Healthy Lung Initiative at Center for Health and Wellbeing

SATIRE: As part of the gift from Marlboro, RCAs will now be providing packs of cigarettes in their condom and candy bags.

SATIRE: As part of the gift from Marlboro, RCAs will now be providing packs of cigarettes in their condom and candy bags.

Bonfire

Pop Tart Pop Art

Student body will return to not giving a crap about sports for the next 364 days

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

SATIRE: “It was fun following football for the last few weeks,” said Matt Diplo ’22. “But now I can get back to spending my Saturdays doing something that has a real impact the world — roleplaying Norway in Model UN.”

Dorm Thoughts...

We can’t wait for student newspapers to fix themselves. So we’re starting a new one.

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight. 

SATIRE: The new publication will allow students to publish whatever word vomit they churn out, whenever they want, with absolutely no editorial oversight.