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Humor

Top tips for tigers who are single and ready to mingle

Top tips for tigers who are single and ready to mingle

Tarun Iyengar
| 3 hours ago
A picture taken from the inside of a building with a mix of old and modern looks

This Valentine’s Day, we at The DailyPrintsAnything feel obligated to provide lonely Princetonians some help to find that special someone. Although we can’t assure everyone has a date, here are our top tips for those tigers who are single and ready to mingle.

This Valentine’s Day, we at The DailyPrintsAnything feel obligated to provide lonely Princetonians some help to find that special someone. Although we can’t assure everyone has a date, here are our top tips for those tigers who are single and ready to mingle.

Trick or treat or chlamydia: Hexpo arrives just in time for Halloween

A three-story brick building with the last of the sunset on the side.

Trick or treat or chlamydia: Hexpo arrives just in time for Halloween

Roberto Sampaio

To make sure students are still protecting their genitals while risking everything else, University Health Services (UHS) will be holding a mandatory “Hexpo,” inspired by the Safer Sexpo all Princeton students have to experience as part of orientation.

To make sure students are still protecting their genitals while risking everything else, University Health Services (UHS) will be holding a mandatory “Hexpo,” inspired by the Safer Sexpo all Princeton students have to experience as part of orientation.

HUMOR | October 22

Three science-proven alternatives to Flu Fest

A man with classes holds a vaccine bottle up the camera

Three science-proven alternatives to Flu Fest

Michael Hwang

These so-called “vaccines” are undoubtedly chock-full of microchips — which, when activated by 5G signals, will brainwash you into pledging support to Xi Jinping — and virulent strains of the woke-mind virus. For those of you red-pilled enough to avoid this “medicine,” I, the Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent Michael Hwang, offer three alternatives to Flu Fest that will keep you healthy throughout the winter season.

These so-called “vaccines” are undoubtedly chock-full of microchips — which, when activated by 5G signals, will brainwash you into pledging support to Xi Jinping — and virulent strains of the woke-mind virus. For those of you red-pilled enough to avoid this “medicine,” I, the Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent Michael Hwang, offer three alternatives to Flu Fest that will keep you healthy throughout the winter season.

HUMOR | October 1

New first-year roommate contracts boast ‘BDSM’ Section

gray stone building with triangular roofs behind a courtyard with green grass under an overcast sky

New first-year roommate contracts boast ‘BDSM’ Section

Francesca Volkema

“The contract contains agreements on numerous topics including alcohol consumption, allotted friends per roommate, who has the coolest shower shoes, and, of course, interest in ‘BDSM.’”

“The contract contains agreements on numerous topics including alcohol consumption, allotted friends per roommate, who has the coolest shower shoes, and, of course, interest in ‘BDSM.’”

HUMOR | October 1

Intoxicated first-year accepted to most selective club on campus

Front view of charter club, a three-story mansion with a grey stone exterior.

Intoxicated first-year accepted to most selective club on campus

Vivian Huang

Tiger Private Dance is Princeton’s oldest group for aspiring exotic dance workers and the most selective club on campus, only accepting two students every year since 1769. This year, they recorded a soaring high number of 420 applicants, resulting in a 0.47 percent acceptance rate.

Tiger Private Dance is Princeton’s oldest group for aspiring exotic dance workers and the most selective club on campus, only accepting two students every year since 1769. This year, they recorded a soaring high number of 420 applicants, resulting in a 0.47 percent acceptance rate.

HUMOR | October 1

Princeton, it’s time to act. We’re begging you.

An upside down, ivy-covered building.

Princeton, it’s time to act. We’re begging you.

Daily Princetonian Staff

Over the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.

Over the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.

HUMOR | September 22

Constipated student shows off massive dookie on LinkedIn

A very pixelated photo of a toilet after it has been used.

Constipated student shows off massive dookie on LinkedIn

Michael Hwang

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

HUMOR | September 10
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University rips up lawns just in time for Lawnparties

mud.jpeg

University rips up lawns just in time for Lawnparties

Spencer Bauman

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester — Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering, “Where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester–Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering “where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

HUMOR | September 5

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Three stick figures drawn in black with bright red eyes next to a tan sweatshirt above the words “Frosh when free merch.”

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Sawyer Dilks

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

HUMOR | April 16

Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions

White columns of building with student walking near plaza with inner sculpture, viewed from overhead.

Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions

Mya Koffie

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

HUMOR | April 9

First all-castrato a cappella group makes historic debut

In an arch, at night, a group of formally-dressed men stand in a semi-circle.

First all-castrato a cappella group makes historic debut

Michael Hwang

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

HUMOR | April 2

‘Chosen One’ pulls cannon from Cannon Green

An ivy-covered building with a green space in front of it.

‘Chosen One’ pulls cannon from Cannon Green

Spencer Bauman

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

HUMOR | March 19

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