Three science-proven alternatives to Flu Fest

These so-called “vaccines” are undoubtedly chock-full of microchips — which, when activated by 5G signals, will brainwash you into pledging support to Xi Jinping — and virulent strains of the woke-mind virus. For those of you red-pilled enough to avoid this “medicine,” I, the Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent Michael Hwang, offer three alternatives to Flu Fest that will keep you healthy throughout the winter season.

These so-called “vaccines” are undoubtedly chock-full of microchips — which, when activated by 5G signals, will brainwash you into pledging support to Xi Jinping — and virulent strains of the woke-mind virus. For those of you red-pilled enough to avoid this “medicine,” I, the Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent Michael Hwang, offer three alternatives to Flu Fest that will keep you healthy throughout the winter season.

New first-year roommate contracts boast ‘BDSM’ Section

“The contract contains agreements on numerous topics including alcohol consumption, allotted friends per roommate, who has the coolest shower shoes, and, of course, interest in ‘BDSM.’”

“The contract contains agreements on numerous topics including alcohol consumption, allotted friends per roommate, who has the coolest shower shoes, and, of course, interest in ‘BDSM.’”

Intoxicated first-year accepted to most selective club on campus

Tiger Private Dance is Princeton’s oldest group for aspiring exotic dance workers and the most selective club on campus, only accepting two students every year since 1769. This year, they recorded a soaring high number of 420 applicants, resulting in a 0.47 percent acceptance rate.

Tiger Private Dance is Princeton’s oldest group for aspiring exotic dance workers and the most selective club on campus, only accepting two students every year since 1769. This year, they recorded a soaring high number of 420 applicants, resulting in a 0.47 percent acceptance rate.

Princeton, it’s time to act. We’re begging you.

Over the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.

Over the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.

Constipated student shows off massive dookie on LinkedIn

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!”

University rips up lawns just in time for Lawnparties

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester — Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering, “Where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester–Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering “where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

Princeton warns against traveling to Harvard amid ongoing political instability

Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.

Newly-admitted students traveling to tour Harvard’s campus this week were instead put on buses and sent to nearby Tufts.

‘Magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock’ actually just caused by first-year merch drop

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor. 

Heated political protest postponed due to poor weather conditions

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

The Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues canceled their latest protest. Their Instagram post announcing the change read, “on account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.” 

Why didn’t the Easter Bunny visit me this year?

As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.

As I threw open the blinds and peered into the courtyard, my perfect day was shattered by a starting revelation — there were no Easter Eggs to be seen.

First all-castrato a cappella group makes historic debut

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

Amid the hallowed a cappella grounds beneath Blair Arch, the TestosterTones serenaded audience members with a rousing, high-pitched rendition of Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire”. The highlight of the night was their performance of “Can I Put My Balls in Your Jaws,” a piece that, while off-limits for any other male-dominated a cappella group, was wholly innocuous coming from the TestosterTones.

BREAKING: Princeton Class of 2028 admissions list leaked

Students were able to access and leak an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released.

Students were able to access and leak an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released.

‘Chosen One’ pulls cannon from Cannon Green

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

“Our hero, who has been identified as Arthur Lewis-Library ’25, was described in the TigerAlert as a “roughly 6 foot tall, student-aged, athletic male with so much confidence and so little rationality.”

HumOrpinion: Woke editors, stop censoring my brilliant pieces

How can the Daily PrintsAnything uphold its reputation for sharp-witted and culturally-relevant satire while censoring its writers’ best ideas? Every day, we move one step closer to a draconic surveillance state that stifles important conversations.