The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The brand new University Art Museum recently announced its long-awaited opening on October 31, 2025 after many delays to the project. Originally meant to open in 2000, the institute will finally be opening its doors to the public with a 24-hour open house.
In light of campus-wide discontent with the museum’s prison-like exterior, the University has chosen to incorporate students into the opening. The museum plans to host a Halloween-themed rave lasting 24 hours and featuring artists TI Capone and GruberM$neyHustla.
“We plan to hold the ‘rave’, as the young-ins call it, among the most expensive pieces in our collections”, says Supreme Curator Brett Tensious. “It will be a commentary on youth and culture and youth culture, and also capitalism.”
The rave will include a secondary exhibit utilizing a white-walled room in which students can relieve themselves if they plan to ingest large amounts of alcoholic beverages on the notoriously eventful weekend. The patterns of urine left behind will serve as an interactive exhibit titled “Sprinkle of Life” to debut in November 2025, serving as a reminder to audiences to revel in life’s simple pleasures.
Some members of the campus community have been long looking forward to what is predicted to be the biggest modern celebration of artwork in this decade.
Patty-Ann Emol ’27 said, “Oh yeah, I might make an appearance. The rave or whatever it is sounds fun, I guess. It really would be a shame if someone decided to steal a Picasso and sell it on the black market for millions, drop out of school, and disappear off the face of the earth to live on an island somewhere.”
Francesca Volkema is an Associate Humor Editor. She thinks Patty should be banned from the museum. She can be reached at fv1281@princeton.edu.
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