The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Luckily for every bro on this campus who needed a goated excuse to get tanked, this year’s Lawnparties were peak bussin. Follow me, Jim Antonic — a.k.a. The Brommander-in-Chief — with squad through this past Sunday’s bash.
6:30 a.m. - Wake Up, Drip Out
You know this is the earliest I’ve woken up all sem. To get ready for the day, I asked the one questy that was on all of fam’s minds: can you get drunk off that Listerine? After getting zoinked, you know I gotta put on the classic LP fit — pink button-up shirt with sleeves rolled up, a quarter zip for the chilly temps, and khaki shorts. Let’s get Tiger-Inn to this shizz (aye)!
7:45 a.m. — Pregame #1
Next stop is the frat castle (Cuyler 512), home to the big man on campus, my man Zeke. You know we had to crush that Everclear right quick. The vibes were immaculate. Hella naush tho. Dictation enabled: “Hey Siri, remind me to Venmo Zeke $50 for the couch.”
9 a.m. — Brekkie
Roll Whit, the brekkie of champions. The kegs and eggs, if you know what I mean. The fam and I can’t peep the function if we don’t get some of that brotein in us. Brekkie is also a good time to have some deep convos with the boys before getting fully sloshed. We dedicate this LP to our boy Petey Hegs (aka P. Kegseth) — we couldn’t have today if Party Pete didn’t 👊🇺🇸🔥.
10:30 a.m. — Pregame #2, Wristbands
In order to pull up, squad and me needed to cop them LP wristies. SO many tryhards in line, bro. But you know we be turning those lemons into lemonade, a.k.a. this line into another pregame. Ferda, bro. After downing a vial of the juice, I hit the boys with a classic B-Frankie bar: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
1 p.m. (Heaven O’Clock) — Cooked the Brospect Challenge
By around 1, fam had crushed a beer in every club. Plus a couple Dr. Peppie’s at Campus after shoving cheesecakes on a stick down our faceholes, no homo. Maddalena’s lowkey mad (aye). This isn’t that tweak week, bro. Embrace the darty, bro.
2:30–5ish — Rave Sesh
This is the moment we’ve been waiting for. And no, I’m not for that opener rock shizz. I wanted those goobs to play Tastes Like Teen Spirit or Back in Back, but they played that nerdy clown crap for beta bros who live in their mommies’ basements. After PSafe officers were opps for a literal ten hours, you know A Boogie pulled up. Squad lowkey moshed to “Wild Th*ts” and “Monica Lewinsky,” probably squished a few shrimps. Idk why those fools were tryna be extra. Boogie kinda ate that sh*t. We also watched Captain Chad lose his concertginity.
On the low, LP bussed and left fam shook. Only Codeine Calvin and Kit Ket Kev had to get Fristed today.
Tarun Iyengar is an Associate Humor Editor. Your resident temperance advocate did not partake in any Lawnparties debauchery — I promise. Sophia Varughese is a Head Humor Editor. She did. They can be reached at ti7371@princeton.edu and sv1456@princeton.edu.
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