Ask the Sexpert: Healthy relationships amid academic stress

Dear Sexpert,

Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with school. Between exams, assignments, and all the pressure to perform well, it feels like there’s barely any time to relax. I’ve noticed that the stress is starting to affect my relationship, and causing some tension with my partner. I feel like they are starting to feel rejected. They seem disinterested in our conversations (whether it’s in person or texting), they are not as receptive to physical affection, and have stopped sharing their thoughts and feelings with me, instead deciding to confide in their close friends. It makes me feel shut out. Overall, they seem distant. I don’t know what to do. I love my partner, but the stress from school has me feeling drained and emotionally distant. Could this be something temporary? How do I navigate the stress without letting it damage my relationship?

- Stressed Out and Struggling

Dear Stressed Out and Struggling,

First of all, thank you for reaching out! It sounds like you're going through a challenging time balancing the pressures of school and your relationship, and I want to assure you that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Stress (from any source, including academics) can have a huge impact on both your emotional and physical well-being—and that includes your desire for intimacy. You’re absolutely right to acknowledge how this stress is affecting your relationship, but it’s important to remember that this is something you can manage.

Stress can take a serious toll on libido. When you're stressed—whether from school, work, or personal life—your body goes into a state of "fight or flight" mode, which triggers a surge of stress hormones like cortisol. While cortisol is necessary for dealing with immediate threats, high levels of it over time can interfere with the production of other hormones, like estrogen and testosterone, that are crucial for sexual desire. As a result, you might find yourself feeling emotionally and physically drained, with little interest in intimacy.

This response is entirely natural, but it doesn’t make it any easier to navigate, especially when it starts to affect your relationship. When you’re overwhelmed, your energy and focus naturally go toward surviving the pressure, leaving little room for sexual desire or even emotional connection.

The emotional strain caused by academic stress can also influence your interactions with your partner. When you're constantly stressed, it can be hard to be present in your relationship. You might find it more difficult to communicate openly, feel less affectionate, or even shut down emotionally. This can understandably lead to feelings of frustration or rejection from your partner, which, in turn, can worsen your stress and create a negative feedback loop.

One of the main things you can do is to communicate proactively with your partner. Honest communication about how you’re feeling can help your partner understand what you’re going through. By discussing your feelings, you can reduce the potential for misunderstandings and open up a dialogue on how to support each other during stressful times. Be clear about what your partner can do to support you, and ask if they are willing.

For example, if you're not in the mood for physical intimacy, that’s completely okay! Instead, focus on building emotional intimacy with your partner. You can discuss with them what might help boost connection. Take time to engage in activities that you both enjoy—whether that’s cuddling, talking, or doing something relaxing together.

Additionally, it is understandable that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed in periods of stress. It’s normal for stress to impact your libido, which can impact emotional connection. It can be helpful to openly discuss with your partner about what you need, whether that is talking more often, holding space for sensitive topics, or setting boundaries for your relationship. Participating in these acts are important forms of self-care. It is good that you are already noticing signs like feeling disinterested in communication. Continue to monitor your feelings and comfort level during conversations, and give yourself the grace to take care of your mental and physical health.

Most importantly, you need to find ways to prioritize your own well-being. Even during a busy academic period, it’s important to schedule time for self-care, whether it’s getting enough sleep, eating nourishing food, or taking a few minutes each day to decompress. Regular exercise can also help reduce stress levels and improve mood, which may in turn help you feel more present and relaxed with your partner. Try not to rush through your self-care with productivity in mind, instead allow yourself to truly use practices that serve and center you.

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Remember, your libido is deeply tied to your overall well-being, and when you’re stressed, it’s okay to step back and give yourself time to recharge. By addressing the root causes of your stress, you’ll likely find that your desire for intimacy comes back naturally as you begin to feel more balanced and relaxed. Take care of yourself, and be kind to your body and mind as you work through this challenging time. You’ve got this!

-The Sexpert

The Sexpert is a monthly column written in collaboration between The Prospect and the Peer Health Advisers (PHA) program. For more information, you can visit the Sexpert’s website. If you are interested in submitting a question, you can send it through this form: tinyurl.com/princetonsexpert.