The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The recent news that the Trump Administration cut $400 million of federal grants from Columbia University has shaken higher education institutions across the country. Our very own University has vowed to “Keep Calm” amidst this changing federal policy, but it can be very hard to do so when an angry DOGE is barking at your front door.
However, much of this fear across the University comes from trying to resist and fight these policies. We sure as heck would not be scared if we just joined hands with President Trump and the Masterful Musk and sang kumbaya. As the saying goes, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”
We have the chance to create a valuable partnership with the powers that be and avoid the fate of some of our more naïve friends across the Ivy League. Nevertheless, it will require us to do more than just remove the DEI from our motto “Dei sub numine viget.” Using the following steps below, we can ensure Old Nassau lives as long as those 300 year old geezers who are still collecting Social Security checks.
1. Stop playing “Immigrant Song” at sporting events
While this step may sadden our hardworking University Marching Band and DJs who bring the vibes to our various athletic events, it is a much needed one. Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” is frankly an insult to this administration’s agenda and should not be played around this campus. We can easily replace such a tune with Homeland Security’s “Deportation Tune,” which appropriately addresses the current attitude we’re going for. It is a small change, but remember, it is an impactful one when we currently lie on the border between being seen as friends or enemies of the state.
2. Change the building names across campus
Although wokeness is not as pervasive in our University’s marketing (imagine being Brown University, your name is a cry for diversity), we can still take some steps to impress our overlords. The easiest change we can make is to resurrect Woodrow Wilson from the depths of cancel culture and return him to the throne of the SPIA building. Likewise, we should allow New College West to be renamed to the Residential College of America.
3. Replace the James Madison Program with the Vladimir Putin Program
Even though I would be disappointed to see the esteemed James Madison Program in American Ideals and Institutions end, it is a necessary step to correct the indoctrination of our college youth into American democratic and constitutional principles. By replacing it with the Vladimir Putin Program in Manchurian Candidates, Global Influence, and Annexation, we will share with the University the very ideals that drive every one of President Trump’s actions. We can grow the next generation of leaders who will bully the Zelensky’s of the world and allow America to be puppetered by our adversaries. Princeton students are already great at selling out — we just need them to choose Moscow instead of McKinsey.
4. Teach the “Common Sense” curriculum instead of liberal arts
Because we still utilize an explicitly “liberal” arts curriculum, we are more vulnerable than ever to attacks from the Trump administration. Thus, we must bend to the whims of the government and install a conservative arts curriculum, which will be based on our glorious leader’s vision for the “Era of Common Sense.” First and foremost, we must make the A.B. language requirement the English language and all evidence for writing seminar papers must come from Truth Social. Additionally, every senior thesis and junior paper must have an explicit “America First” theme in order for students to pass. If students are not willing to comply, they’ll be on thin ICE.
We have always been told that beautiful friendships and partnerships have been born out of Princeton, and this situation is no different. It is time that the University finally plays their Trump card.
Tarun Iyengar is an Associate Humor Editor. If the glorious, charismatic, and ingenious Sir Elon is reading this, Tarun can be reached for that Summer 2026 DOGE Internship at ti7371[at]princeton.edu.
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