The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As midterms approach, college students across the country are preparing for an intense week. Brilliant minds are stocking up on electrolytes and protein bars, making sure they get a full three hours of sleep to prepare for an onslaught of calculus and chemistry.
Yet, one group of students finds themselves lacking excitement: humanities majors. The average English major has 2.4 pages (double-spaced) due at the end of the week, while anthropology and sociology majors have a combined 30 coherent thoughts assigned.
To combat this discrepancy, the University has introduced a new club, FUNdamentals, which hosts activities for humanities majors wanting to feel included in the hustle and bustle of midterms. The club, run by a suite of Princeton-based child psychologists and pediatricians, looks to create a safe and productive environment in which humanities majors can develop the skills they need to succeed.
“My roommate would not stop bothering me, asking me to ‘play’ while I was working on building my rocket,” said MAE major Jean Nyuss ’26. “I finally lost my patience and took her to FUNdamentals, and they were able to keep her entertained for a couple hours.”
The club has been provided with a few Fisher-Price classroom playsets, including brightly colored plastic desks and personalized name tags, in order to create an authentic experience for the students. Upon arrival, chaperones hand out either coloring sheets or crosswords (for advanced students) along with a variety of crayons and scented markers which, apparently, “smell better than they taste.”
One excited new member of the club, Dom Bass ’28, reports, “I’ve been to the first two meetings, and now, FUNdamentals is the best part of my week! My favorite part of each meeting is the snack break. Last week, we got animal crackers, the frosted kind, as a special treat with our chocolate milk.”
As news of this exciting opportunity sweeps the University campus, the demand for spots is rising rapidly; according to the club’s president, they may have to move to McCosh 50 in order to make sure every humanities major is “fed, nurtured, burped, and swaddled.”
Francesca Volkema '28 is an associate Humor editor. She is a prospective English major and is pretty sure she has a paper due at some point. She can be reached at fv1281[at]princeton.edu.
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