The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the announcement from the Resources Committee that the proposal to divest from entities tied to Israel will not proceed due to a “lack of consensus,” various campus groups and individuals have expressed their anger and disappointment. However, some have found the University’s embrace of indecision refreshingly relatable.
“I find it hard to make decisions too,” Arthur Patterson ’27 said. “What if I say I want to go Shrek Rave at Terrace, but all my friends secretly wanted to go to TI and didn’t tell me to see what I would say. Now they all hate me. This has happened before. With three different friend groups.”
Emily Reagan ’28 echoed these sentiments. “It’s like trying to get the groupchat to agree on where to have dinner,” said Reagan. “Everyone says Yeh/NCW, but there’s always that rogue person who fights for Whitman. We all just go hungry because how could we possibly come to a decision?”
The Daily PrintsAnything sat down with University Spokesperson Dale Smith to clarify how the Committee came to the monumental decision to just do nothing.
“We would never want to upset or offend anyone with a decision. On one hand, divesting can help end one of the worst humanitarian crises of our time. On the other hand, wealthy alumni. People with ethics just don’t have that much money … It’s a tough call,” Smith said with a shrug.
In the spirit of fostering more endless and actionless discussion, Smith also announced that the University will soon begin a new speaker series titled “Moral Ambiguity: How to Never Pick a Side and Still Feel Good About Yourself.” The series’ speakers include the CEO of Lockheed Martin, an “undecided” voter from the last presidential election, and the devil’s advocate from your politics class who’s weirdly cagey about his family’s net worth.
Roberto Sampaio is a staff Humor writer. If you ever have trouble making a decision, don’t ask him. Or do. Wait, no, don’t. Wait, yes… I guess you probably could. If you want. Maybe not, though. He can be reached at rs2021[at]princeton.edu.
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