The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Since the end of January, on-campus discourse has surrounded a new issue facing the students of Butler College. Many students have reported brown water coming out of the shower heads, while others have mentioned unusual debris present in the liquid.
An investigation launched by The Daily PrintsAnything revealed that recent construction has caused water from Butler College toilets to be rerouted to shower heads. This “chocolate rain,” as students have dubbed it, has recently taken the private and communal bathrooms of the residential college by storm.
“I could tell immediately that the sh*t coming out of the shower head was mine from last night,” said Duke Keigh ’25. “I would recognize Chipotle corn anywhere.”
The ‘Prints’ spoke with University spokesperson Sue Widge for comment. “This past fall’s drought has caused us to become more conscious of our water usage and rethink our sustainability practices,” said Widge. “It’s our pleasure to announce that, with this new initiative, we’re one step closer to becoming net-zero by 2025.”
Leaked construction documents detail a failed $30 million, five-year-long geo-exchange construction project meant to convert campus to a large-scale hot water system. Mass corrosion due to increased water acidity has forced facilities to remove all underground water-distribution piping, after which they rerouted all intra-bathroom pipes to connect. The result, noted as “expected” by Widge, has left the majority of Butler College students with no way to practice safe personal hygiene. COS 226 Professor Stan Kee, however, has noted “no difference” in her students’ smell.
In the midst of this crisis, Daya Reeyah ’27 provided a silver lining. “Learning the idiosyncrasies of my roommate’s digestive tract has brought us closer than ever,” said Reeyah, “When I get a whiff of her crap, I know that I’m home.”
A collaboration by head Humor editor Sophia Varughese, associate Humor editors Tarun Iyengar and Francesca Volkema, staff Humor writers Roberto Sampaio and Ben Walsworth-Purkiss, and contributing Humor writers Nicolas Rohou, Abdul Husein, and Ben Martin.
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The complex was originally discovered by an on-campus team headed by Professor Sigmund Fraud, recently dubbed “most in need of getting laid” by a campus-wide student survey. The complex is characterized by an unusual attraction to the parent of the opposite sex and a very normal hatred of the parent of the same sex.
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