The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This Valentine’s Day, we at The DailyPrintsAnything feel obligated to provide lonely Princetonians some help to find that special someone. Although we can’t ensure everyone a date, here are our top tips for those tigers who are single and ready to mingle.
1. Try being Dean’s date
The campus community recently learned that, after twenty five years, Dean’s date has been dumped; that means there's a hot new bachelor on campus! While we can’t point you in the right direction to find Dean, we’re sure he or she or they or it will not be hard to find. Just imagine being Dean’s new date - you would be the talk of town, from the start of the semester to the end — even your professors will be talking about it. However, we’ve heard that, over the years, people tend to lose their minds around Dean’s date, so stay safe and take shelter in the arms of your new hot piece.
2. Love at Frist site
With the newly completed Frist Health Center, many couples are already using a plethora of free resources such as STI testing or free condoms. However, you’re a lonely fool who has no need for such wares — until now. We suggest that you go to the new health center and just stand around any resources for sexual health, looking confused. Sooner rather than later, your future partner could stumble in and see that you’re a responsible sexpert. Wouldn’t this make a great story at your wedding? Regardless of your failure or success, you can still tell your friends that, technically, you got Fristed.
3. You’ve got a Friend in me
If all else fails, go to the one place on campus that declares itself the home of social life: the Friend Center. As long as you have armed yourself with Axe body spray and a gas mask, take the opportunity to mingle with your peers and try to find a potential suitor. As you enter the Friend-zone, talk to as many people as you can and find those with common interests like RPG games, anime, manga, and artificial intelligence. If, in the worst case scenario, you fail to find your special someone, you will still walk away educated in LLMs (love language models).
Remember, even if none of these tips work for you, it is perfectly acceptable to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Speaking from experience, we think love is a lot like Princeton: hard to get into and not meant for everyone.
Tarun Iyengar is an Associate Humor Editor. He wishes his “pookie bears” a wonderful Valentine’s Day. He can be reached at ti7371@princeton.edu.
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