TigerTease, the brand new application guaranteed to get you some action

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

It’s February and love is in the air, but unfortunately, as we all know, Princeton students have a tendency to stay holed up in their rooms studying. Luckily, for those who might be craving a chance to dance with romance, one student’s brilliant new app has the solution.

Introducing TigerTease, the only application that alerts you when that zee group baddie’s high school relationship has broken up. To learn more about the app’s features, we spoke with Deepa Insaichu, a senior in the Computer Science Department and member of the Residential College Advising program at Rockefeller College.

“Maybe you went home and found out that the ‘I go to Princeton’ card made you more of a ‘hell-no’ than the town’s hottest new gigolo. Maybe a certain someone went home and found out that their partner just didn’t suit their future in investment banking. Maybe you’ve had eyes on the one with long, luscious locks, fair skin, eyes shining beautifully like the sparkling sea … Either way, this is the app for you,” explained Insaichu.

TigerTease lets users search for potential partners, sorting through zee groups by residential college, gender, sexuality, and current relationship status. Once they find that special someone, users then have several options. If the candidate is currently in a relationship, users have the option to receive notifications if their relationship status changes.

If the candidate is single, users can instead opt to message via Instagram, email, or carrier pigeon. Premium subscribers can even request to have gifts delivered, including bouquets, chocolates, and Frist late meal sushi.

Several new features will also roll out in the coming weeks. As Insaichu explained, “New relationship status options will soon be available. One that I am particularly excited about is the ‘Rough Patch’ status. This will allow users to slide in at just the right time to show their crushes how they could really be treated right. Relationship statuses will be automatically monitored and updated in real-time as information becomes available.”

When asked how this data collection method worked, Insaichu declined to comment. Throughout the interview, their phone kept buzzing with Instagram notifications.

An independent investigation by The Daily PrintsAnything concluded that this feature is driven by Insaichu’s Instagram page, which follows every campus baddie the investigations team could account for.

The Daily PrintsAnything also got an exclusive hands-on demonstration of a new AI feature coming to the app. Users can practice “rizzing up shawties” as the feature description reads by placing themselves in practice conversations with a specially trained chatbot.

In the scenario we were shown, we were tasked with consoling a student who recently broke up with their partner of four years. Throughout the conversation, we were automatically prompted by certain lines at key points, such as “Where my hug at” upon initiating the conversation, and “I would never treat you that way” when listening about their old partner.

Insaichu will distribute the app to fellow RCAs for use in their zee groups, though all students may register for the app on both Apple and Android, with a full release planned this Friday.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Sawyer Dilks is a staff Humor writer and member of the Class of 2027. If there are any students going through a rough breakup and need someone to listen, he would like to remind them that there are resources available at sd5123[at]princeton.edu.