Ask the Newcummer: Is my crush gay?

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Dear Newcummer,

I have a crush on my close friend, Layden Mahomies, but everyone in our friend group thinks he’s gay. He has such good music taste and put me onto Charli XCX before “brat.” He’s also got weird talents, like he can put an entire banana down his throat without gagging and can thread a needle with his tongue. I want to confess my feelings, but if he’s gay, I would be risking our friendship for nothing. I feel like it’s too personal and awkward to just ask him about his sexuality. What should I do?

— Femboy Fanatic

Dear Femboy Fanatic,

Ah, the age-old questions: is he gay if he cares about his appearance? Is he obsessed with Zendaya because she’s hot? And the biggest one: does he respect me too much to be straight? But no need to worry: no matter how big it gets, the Newcummer will take this investigation to completion.

Unfortunately, the case got hard real quick. The Newcummer tried speaking with some of Layden’s neighbors, but no recognition of his name came. With our hands tied, the Newcummer had to get creative to not let the case go soft. Dejected, the Newcummer called in Femboy Fanatic who cummunicated that Layden is “very close” with his roommate, Nahom Oh ’28. The Newcummer contacted him, pouncing on that hot tip.

“Oooooooh, you mean Gayden. That guy’s gay for sure,” Oh said.

It seems Gayden isn’t the only nickname people have for Layden. During the many interrogations, people referred to him as Mahomo, Rayden Mahole, Laid ’n Unafraid, and Ariana Grayden.

Next, the Newcummer asked Oh for a detailed explanation of why he was so sure of Layden’s sexuality, edging closer and closer to the truth.

“No reason. None at all. It’s not like I have any special information. I just happen to live with the guy. I have no firsthand, personal reason to believe Layden’s gay. Actually, he might not be. He always acts straight with me. No gay stuff ever. Just two guys sharing a room,” he said.

Oh then quickly escorted the Newcummer out of the room. We’re not sure why.

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So, Femboy Fanatic, Layden may or may not be gay. Ultimately, you won’t know unless you ask. Bottom line: if he’s straight, you have found a great boyfriend who doesn’t care what others say.

But if he is gay, don’t be sad. Just buy a strap-on.

— The Newcummer

Roberto Sampaio is a Humor staff writer and gay, but he welcomes the attention of any gender. He’s that desperate. He can be reached at rs2021@princeton.edu.