Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Given the tumultuous campus climate this past spring and the back-and-forth about the true meaning of “free speech,” it is clear that some change needs to come to Princeton.

For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.

Wake up, liberals. This tradition runs counter to our principles as proud American free-market capitalists. Our troops paid the ultimate price for your rights, and you take that for granted when you march around in your furry costumes and wave your protest signs.

We need to start charging students for speech in order to correct this. To paraphrase so the uneducated, virtue-signaling, dyed-hair youths of the woke mob can understand, we need fee speech.

While this sentiment may trigger snowflakes who think free speech is a universal right, they should remember that this very institution charges students to eat food, a human right according to the deep state puppeteered United Nations.

If the University treats speech like meal swipes, they can make students truly feel the costs of their words and actions. For example, those brave students who claim they would gladly pitch their tent on Cannon Green again can see if it’s really worth it when they have to opt-in for an Unlimited Speech plan.

Coming in at an estimated grand total of $68,296 per academic year, you may soon have to trade in your pronouns for a part-time job to cover the cost of spreading their message. The sense of entitlement that comes with “free” speech will be hereafter wiped out on this campus when reality sets in.

Alternatively, fiscally conscious students who aren’t mooching off George Soros’ estate can opt for the Speech-Plus plan. Since these students know when to hold their tongue, they will only have to pay $1,776 per academic year to get their reasonable viewpoints across.

Additionally, the University can give juniors, seniors, and graduate students a chance to move off the typical speech plans and enter into Speaking Clubs to espouse their speech in an incomprehensibly more elitist way.

Liberal Arts-obsessed students — still whining over the results of the election — could form a club to house their elitist and terroristic views. On the other hand, more informed conservative students could join an association to discuss the benefits of the Heritage Foundation and the second coming of our lord and savior Donald J[esus] Trump. Their membership fee would be incredibly low because spreading Judeo-Christian values does not come at a high cost.

The incessant back and forth over “free speech” at college campuses and in the media could easily be avoided if we break free from the DEI liberal coastal elite of academia and return to our bloodthirsty capitalist roots. Princeton, it’s time to put our money where our mouth is.