Ask the Sexpert: Sexual exploration in a relationship

Dear Sexpert,

My partner has asked me if I would ever engage in roleplay and sex that includes “tying me up.” I’ve never done anything like that before and could be open to the idea, but feel weird and kind of dirty for wanting to try it. I don’t want to make my partner feel bad by being hesitant, but at the same time, I don’t want to rush into anything without being completely sure that I want to do it. How do I handle this situation?

— Apprehensive Adventurer

Dear Apprehensive Adventurer,

Thank you for opening up about how you’re feeling. Rest assured, you’re not alone in feeling apprehensive. Trying new things sexually can be exciting and fun but may require you to step outside of your comfort levels. It’s good that you are being mindful of your boundaries and taking care of yourself by only agreeing to engage in activities that you are ready to pursue. Most importantly, as with any sexual behavior, it should be mutually consensual, with consent being:

Freely given (without coercion or manipulation, not given while incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, and not asleep or unconscious)
Reversible (able to be revoked at any point)
Informed (through dialogue and mutual decision-making)
Enthusiastic (verbal and non-verbal cues that are affirmative, e.g., saying “yes”, head nodding, etc.)
Specific (detailed and limited to determined activities)

This means that if you decide to try role play or bondage activities, you are having open and on-going communication with your partner, and you can change your mind at any point.

Feeling hesitant about trying something new is completely normal! So is being intrigued by sexual exploration and wanting to engage in fantasy. In fact, it’s so common that there is a classification of main themes related to sexual fantasy. Although the possibilities are endless, a 4,000+ person, 350 question survey in 2018 conducted by sex educator Justin Lehmiller PhD found that there are seven main fantasy themes when it comes to sexual imagination. It sounds like what your partner is suggesting falls into the category of power and control.

(Important to note: Engaging in power and control or other BDSM behaviors is never an excuse for causing violence or harm — it requires explicit consent.)

Feel free to research this category on informal websites like Scarleteen or Bedsider — it might help you feel less “weird” or “dirty” for exploring your sexual imagination. Sexual shame can come from societal influences or cultural norms and often functions as a barrier to authentic self-expression. Yet once again, don’t feel pressure to partake in an activity simply because other people are doing it, or because your partner suggests it. Take the time to reflect on why you feel unsure and validate your own feelings, and explore what, if anything, would make you feel more certain about trying something new.

When talking about experimenting sexually with your partner, remember that clear and constant communication is key. Be honest with your partner about feeling tentative. And if you do decide to experiment with power and control, establish a safe word to ensure that you have an easy and quick way to communicate what you need in the moment. Go slow! There’s no rush, and remember that you can always change your mind at any point. You may also want to build in time for debrief or a conversation afterwards, so you can continue discussing what you both liked, didn’t like, or would want to do differently in the future.

Having a sexual imagination or feeling sexual desire is no reason to feel ashamed! Just make sure that you are establishing clear communication with your partner, and acting in a way that is consensual and respectful of both of your boundaries.

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Bon Voyage!

—The Sexpert

The Sexpert is a monthly column written in collaboration between The Prospect and the Peer Health Advisers (PHA) program. For more information, you can visit the Sexpert’s website. If you are interested in submitting a question, you can send it through this form: tinyurl.com/princetonsexpert.