The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As Thanksgiving approaches, many students on campus are excited to return home to family for a much needed break and celebration of gratitude. However, many of those same students are also dreading having to make conversation with old relatives over Thanksgiving dinner.
To address this fear, the Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics — from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks — and provided students with winning tactics.
“Last year Meemaw wiped the floor with me on the inflation debate. PDP gave me multiple misinformation sources on Biden’s economic policy that I’ve been feeding her ever since their debate workshop,” said Faye Keneuse ’27. “That combined with unplugging the wifi router during dinner to prevent any fact-checking should guarantee my victory.”
Other students echoed this sentiment, citing lessons learned from the event that they plan to employ over dinner.
“First, I’ll attack Gamgam’s character, then I’ll go after her intelligence as I present my argument defending child vaccination,” said Dee Mensha ’25. “At the end of the day, her Alzheimer’s strips her of any credibility.”
Mensha showed the staff at The Daily PrintsAnything her grandma’s amyloid PET scans, which she plans to use to invalidate her political ideology and show “just how far gone she is” to the witnessing family members.
PDP also partnered with the computer science department to teach students how to make deepfakes that implicate their relatives.
“If she starts to pull ahead, I’ll pull out the DUI mugshot I made of her to hijack dinner conversation,” said Mensha. “PDP emphasized ‘win at all costs.’ If it comes to it, I’m prepared to swipe out her arthritis meds with sleeping pills.”
Other students cited learning of the filibuster technique, where they continue talking at their loudest volume until all other family members give up or fall asleep from switched medication.
“PDP taught me how to weaponize my sister’s cuteness,” said Anne Phantasayyid ’27. “Let’s see Bop-bop defend abortion rights while staring in the teary eyes of my baby sister.”
The ‘Prints’ reached out to PDP for comment. PDP responded, “This is a gross misrepresentation of our honorable event. Our only tip was to ‘shank those b*tches.’”
A collaboration by head Humor editors Spencer Bauman and Sophia Varughese, staff Humor writer Michael Hwang, and contributing Humor writers Tarun Iyengar, Vivian Huang, Francesca Volkema, Eric Mohorea, and Roberto Sampaio.
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