The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Many students believe the only way they can enjoy their time at Princeton is by spending every night partying on Prospect Avenue. However, there are many other options students overlook when trying to have some fun. We at The Daily PrintsAnything want you to consider these five unique ways to make your nights out extraordinary!
1. Get locked out of your room
One of the quickest ways to build community on campus is getting locked out of your room. A boring Friday night can instantly be turned into a mad dash across campus to either the Service Point or Public Safety to get back access to your room. Along the way, you will meet plenty of friendly faces who work for our University, and you will certainly build friendships with all of the other absent-minded students who can’t remember to carry their one and only University ID card around.
2. Wait to cross Washington Road
You’ve heard of Washington’s crossing, so why don’t you recreate it? We, as students, are too busy to appreciate the small features of campus that keep our daily routines smooth and safe. One such aspect is the “Push to Cross” buttons along Washington Road. If you go back to these crosswalks at night, you will have the ability to press the buttons as much as you like as you soak in the unique and soothing sound of the robotic voice telling you to “wait to cross Washington” or that “warning lights activated — vehicles may not stop.”
3. Explore the unfinished University Art Museum
Slated for completion next year, the University Art Museum is one of the top construction projects on campus. With such excitement for its completion, now is the perfect time to throw on your steel-toed boots and hard hat and enter the site. As you sneak inside, avoiding exposed nails and scaffolding, you can contemplate both the value of art in our culture and your upcoming hearing in front of the Committee on Discipline.
4. Contemplate the meaningless of existence in the shower
If you’re more of a homebody, stay inside your dorm and treat yourself to a long, warm, and introspective shower. As you step into the silent communal bathroom at 8 p.m., you will feel compelled to recall the words of David Hume: “But the life of a man is of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster.” Not many students at the University take time for this level of self-care and analysis, so cherish this exploration of your nominal self-worth.
5. Go to bed
Your body has been telling you this for the past week — please listen to it. If done correctly, this will take about 7.5 to nine hours.
Tarun Iyengar is a contributing Humor writer. He has tried everything on this list except number four. He can be reached at ti7371[at]princeton.edu.
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