The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Recent campus discourse has surrounded this Tuesday’s huge erection. We at the Daily PrintsAnything know this erection is so big it’s hard to cover, but here’s a little taste of the discussion around campus as the erection reaches its climax.
“This will be an erection of a lifetime,” President of College Republicans Richard Ryder ’25 said. “Pole-watchers have been saying it could last all night.”
Megan Utz ’26, a politics concentrator, discusses how her family is reacting.
“Everyone in my family is on edge. My mom keeps texting me how scared she is, but at least she’s happy that it’s close to finishing.”
Other organizations on campus have echoed these same sentiments.
“White women over fifty are especially invested in this erection,” Mike Roe ’27, who is a self-described ‘Big D Dem,’ told the ‘Prints.’ “The feminine opinion will be crucial in determining where this erection goes.”
Whig-Clio will be hosting an Erection Watch Party starting at 7 p.m. on Tuesday, Nov. 6. Students stimulated by this erection should feel free to come.
Editor’s Note: It has been brought to our attention that our article is based on a gross misunderstanding. The Erection Watch Party actually begins at 6 p.m.
A collaboration by head Humor editors Spencer Bauman and Sophia Varughese, associate Humor editor Sam McComb, contributing Humor writers Reza Ramji, Tarun Iyengar, Vivian Huang, Francesca Volkema, Roberto Sampaio, and staff Humor writer Sawyer Dilks.
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We are a republic — but it’s up to young people to keep it
Isaac Barsoum“In the future, the history books — if there are any — will either remember a failure of American institutions to defend our democracy, or they will paint a picture of our universities, press corps, and public servants as the last line of defense against a petty tyrant who tried — and failed — to wrest from us our most fundamental freedoms.”
“In the future, the history books — if there are any — will either remember a failure of American institutions to defend our democracy, or they will paint a picture of our universities, press corps, and public servants as the last line of defense against a petty tyrant who tried — and failed — to wrest from us our most fundamental freedoms.”
