The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
As the Class of 2028 continues to settle into the rhythm of college life, many look forward to the friendships they will create with their roommates, as well as the strictly professional sexual relationships provided by this year’s Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism (“BDSM”) section of the first-year roommate contract.
After tearfully bidding their parents farewell, students were immediately handed a 13-page, double-sided roommate contract, written entirely in legal jargon. The contract contains agreements on numerous topics including alcohol consumption, allotted friends per roommate, who has the coolest shower shoes, and, of course, interest in “BDSM.”
The new “BDSM” section, which spans seven of the 13 pages, covers numerous logistical questions from “Will handcuffs with fur be too ticklish?” to “Should we get those cute chokers?” and even “If I say yes, will there be free food?”
The University released a statement about this addition, after an influx of praise from sexually liberated students and parents alike.
“We are so grateful to have such a great reception to this new initiative,” said Jack Kanoff, the Whitman Dean of Student Sex-Life. “Your overflowing support really helps the University community become one of true inclusivity!”
The decision to add the “BDSM” portion comes from a survey done by the Office of Kink Visibility (OKV), where 80 percent of undergraduate students reported their sex life to be “too vanilla,” and an overwhelming 97.26 percent claimed their goal for the school year was to “get freakier.” The University has worked closely with the OKV to open doors for students interested in the “BDSM” field.
Though most students are excited about these opportunities, some remain nervous about their experience level. Tibor Healy-Rae ’28 noted, “I knew I was in the presence of a master when my roommate walked in on the first day with his special-edition, signed copies of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ trilogy.”
Upon request, students can submit work orders to install more posts and/or poles in their rooms to facilitate diverse methods of tying up their roommate and aid their growth in “BDSM” studies.
The University is currently working on a pairing system for first-years placed in single dorms.
Francesca Volkema is a first-year contributing Humor writer. She unfortunately inhabits a single. She can be reached at fv1281[at]princeton.edu.
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