Intoxicated first-year accepted to most selective club on campus

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

In the early morning of Sunday, Sept. 28th, Jobbörse Looker ’28 received one of the two acceptances to Tiger Private Dance, despite being “incredibly intoxicated” during the recruitment process.

Tiger Private Dance is Princeton’s oldest group for aspiring exotic dancers and the most selective club on campus, only accepting two students every year since 1769. Their recruiting process is notoriously short, lasting only one day in the fall semester, and includes five rounds: a short essay application, a personality interview, a dance battle scored on wit, a coffee chat, and a technical interview. This year, they recorded an unprecedentedly high number of 420 applicants, resulting in a 0.47 percent acceptance rate.

Tiger Private Dance’s recruiting process occurred on Saturday, during which Looker was still drunk from Charter Friday. An anonymous student noted, “He was carrying so many bottles of Bud Light I got drunk just watching him. It looked like over 100 of them.”

In an interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, Looker described his weekend as a “fever dream,” and when asked about his night at Charter Club, he responded, “It was litty.”

His alleged best friend and fellow first-year, Janet Doe ’28, said she was with him all night before he disappeared around 3 a.m. She said, “He kind of just wobbled away from me. He was definitely still drunk when he left. I heard he peed on the entrance door.”

Charter member Fred Cole ’26 added, “We were cleaning our door the entire Saturday morning because all we could smell was piss. You can still kinda see the pee stain if you look close enough.”

The Prints received hundreds of reports of a fully-nude man resembling Looker skipping across campus, near Julis Romo Rabinowitz, Richardson Theater, and in front of Cafe Vivian at Frist Campus Center. According to a LinkedIn post by Dan Ramirez ’27, a freshman accepted to Tiger Private Dance in 2023, those locations are where the dance group always holds their recruiting events.

Looker responded to these reports saying, “I don’t know a ‘Kathy Vivian.’ I don’t remember jacksh*t.”

He added, “So many people have congratulated me and told me how this is such a fabulous opportunity for my career and I’m just like, I’ve never heard of this club, and I obviously don’t f***ing dance.”

Tiger Private Dance, while declining to comment on their low acceptance rate, said, “We have only ever recruited truly special people, and Jobbörse is one of the most special people we have ever met.”

In fact, Looker is so special the other accepted student doesn’t exist.