The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Halloween is notorious on college campuses as a night of excessive drinking, risqué costumes, and more than a few monster bites, and this year’s four-day “Halloweekend” is sure to fit that mold. To ensure students are still protecting their genitals while risking everything else, University Health Services (UHS) will host a mandatory “Hexpo” inspired by the Safer Sexpo all Princeton first-years experience during orientation.
“The last thing we want is for you to be hollow on Halloween, but keeping yourself safe from evil spells and infectious bites is our top priority,” Hexpo coordinator Phil Myenis said with a chuckle.
Myenis pointed to the pervasive peer pressure culture on campus as one of his favorite holiday traditions and wanted to prepare students for that through the Hexpo stations.
One station revamps the roleplay scenes first-years act out to learn proper communication around sex and relationships. Rather than read from prewritten scripts, students must use their Safer Sexpo knowledge to respond to situations on the spot.
One first-year expressed his concerns about gaining consent on Halloweekend.
“My frat brothers and I have been conducting a SOC survey to try to determine how to actually make a woman feel comfortable,” Andrew Zate said.
If students fail to get enthusiastic consent or have sex without protection, they immediately contract a random STD from the Hexpo.
“It’s only thanks to the Chemical and Biological Engineering Department that we were able to employ this STD contraction technique. What’s a witch without genital warts anyway?” Myenis added.
The Daily PrintsAnything tried to inquire about this new STD technology, but was told that an ongoing patent dispute with Fraternities of North America prevents the department from sharing details.
A particularly controversial addition is the Headless Horseman station in which students answer questions about University resources. In our investigation, we spoke with a first-year who asked to remain anonymous about his experience testing out this new station before the Hexpo debuts next week.
“When listing resources, I said that I could go to my zee group with sex problems, and before I knew it, a PHA chopped off my penis with an axe!” he said.
Despite his unfortunate beheading, he said he learned a lot. That same PHA and a group of his loudest friends introduced him to the concept of “phantom pegging,” which the ‘Prints’ was told encompasses the “Horseman” part of the station. We asked him not to elaborate, but according to the UHS website, “all the cool kids are doing it.”
The goodie bags students receive at the end of the program have also received a seasonal upgrade, including green ooze lube and BeanBoozled-flavored condoms. UHS has even gone as far as to order several Princeton-specific flavors, including Cloister Piss (Banana Pudding) and Whitman Chicken (Vanilla).
Roberto Sampaio is a contributing Humor writer and a member of the class of 2028. He will be in his room on Halloween wondering when he will finally put all this sex education to use. He can be reached at rs2021[at]princeton.edu.
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