The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The University’s annual “Flu Fest” is underway, proving once again that President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 is in cahoots with the Democratic machine to implant satanic devices into the arms of American youth. University records show that one of the major suppliers of flu vaccines to Flu Fest is none other than Bill Gates, the Big Tech poster child of the Deep State.
These so-called “vaccines” are undoubtedly chock-full of microchips — which, when activated by 5G signals, will brainwash you into pledging support to Xi Jinping — and virulent strains of the woke-mind virus. For those of you red-pilled enough to avoid this “medicine,” I, the Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent Michael Hwang, offer three alternatives to Flu Fest that will keep you healthy throughout the winter season.
1. Take ivermectin supplements
Medical experts have established that ivermectin, the miracle cure for the Wuhan flu, is also a potent measure against other diseases like the common cold, the flu, and the woke-mind virus.
Although Big Pharma markets ivermectin for humans and animals separately, this is merely an excuse to overcharge for the same product. Skeptics need not look further than renowned media personality Alex Jones, who in 2021 consumed veterinary ivermectin live on camera and is now as healthy as a horse.
2. Perform nightly blood cleansing
President Trump once wisely remarked that the disinfectant properties of bleach and ultraviolet light could work wonders inside the human body. Unfortunately, science has not yet reached a point where this can be done non-lethally.
However, anyone who has used hand sanitizer knows that alcohol has similar disinfectant properties and is also safe to drink in large quantities. Studies done in my basement have shown that a blood-alcohol content of 60 percent or higher is sufficient to eliminate most strains of flu in the bloodstream. We recommend Everclear as it is slightly more palatable than hand sanitizer.
3. Eat pre-packaged foods
Dining hall workers are notorious for adding soy to meals to force-feminize the undergraduate population. Soy products contain phytoestrogens, which have “estrogen” in the name and thus have a similar effect on the human body. Decreased muscle mass, a higher-pitched voice, and heightened sensitivity to social issues are all risk factors for the woke-mind virus.
Subsisting on pre-packaged foods is a surefire way to guarantee your food has not been tampered with. For those of you looking to get your protein fix, we recommend Sweet Sue’s canned whole chicken.
With so many science-backed solutions to disease, mandatory “Fauci ouchies” and vaccine passports are a thing of the past. We hope that you will reconsider your choice to get vaccinated and instead do what’s best for you and your country.
Michael Hwang ’25 is the self-proclaimed Daily PrintsAnything Chief Medical Correspondent. He holds degrees in misinformation and immunology from Prager University.
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Princeton, it’s time to act. We’re begging you.
Daily Princetonian StaffOver the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.
Over the 277 years of the university’s history, students have perpetuated a culture of inaction, nay, laziness. As one of the world’s leading institutions of higher education and research, it appalls us to bear witness to students who get accepted, enroll, and graduate, with little substance or depth in between.
