The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Monday, severely constipated first-year David Krappenschitz ’28 passed his first bowel movement in over a month, and like any other accomplished Princeton student, he posted about it on LinkedIn.
“I’m excited to announce that after five weeks of constipation, I made a dookie! Big thanks to my gastroenterologist for prescribing me suppositories, and the janitor for cleaning the blood off the toilet seat. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next one!” Krappenschitz wrote.
Krappenschitz’s post was accompanied by an image of the dookie in question. The post was met with praise from Krappenschitz’s 15,000 LinkedIn connections, who lauded its impressive girth and volume. “The resilience of your butthole is truly inspiring. Great work, David!” commented fellow first-year John Pissenshart.
On the other hand, many of Krappenschitz’s competitive peers looked upon his excrement with envy. Seeking to emulate a fraction of his success, several have begun posting images of their most impressive bowel movements alongside minor career updates.
“In the past 24 hours, David has gained 46 connections from his post,” explained amateur shit-poster and professional LinkedIn stalker Benjamin Scatt ’26. “I can’t afford to fall behind.”
Krappenschitz is a prospective CBE major interested in mass transport and fluid mechanics.
Michael Hwang is a staff Humor writer. Connect with him at www.linkedin.com for daily life updates and inspirational dictator propaganda quotes.
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