University rips up lawns just in time for Lawnparties

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

With the first week of class coming to a close, many students are looking forward to one of the most quintessential Princeton events of the semester — Lawnparties. However, walking around campus for the first time since the spring semester has left many students wondering, “Where are all the lawns we’re supposed to party on?”

In an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything, Priya Medd ’28 expressed both excitement and worry for her first Lawnparties.

“I already picked out a nice white dress, but now I’m worried that it’ll just get covered in mud and dust,” Medd explained. “Where is all the grass in the pictures they showed me during orientation?”

The ‘Prints’ sent out a staffer to search for this “grass,” but accidentally got barricaded in by new fences brandishing the phrase “Princeton Builds Access.”

Some students expressed relief that the venue had changed to a muddy swamp. Regina 1901-Laughlin ’27 shared how they were happy that their shoes would be ready to take on the new site.

“Last year, I went to Lawnparties with some new Sambas — they were covered in mud after,” she explained. “This year, I got some Golden Gooses to take on the soil — the perfect distressed shoes for this deeply distressed event.”

The Daily PrintsAnything also spoke with Lawnparties headliner Daya, who said that the University originally organized for her to perform in the Art Museum construction site on top of an excavator.

“I was confused because they sent me pictures of a dirt mound with the caption ‘Main Stage,’” she began. “They weren’t even planning on stopping construction during my performance.”

The Undergraduate Student Government (USG) plans for this fall’s Lawnparties to be the last held outside in the marshes near the Art Museum construction site. USG Social Chair J.D. Walz ’26 explained that budget cuts will move the event inside in the spring.

“Princeton students will be excited to hear that this spring’s Lawnparties will be held in the Choi Dining Hall away from the elements,” Walz explained. “We applied for additional funds to expand the lawn near the Wawa to accommodate the event, but our Student Activities Funding Engine request has been pending for 18 months.”

According to the “Rights, Rules, Responsibilities” section on Lawnparties, the “party” does not technically have to occur on a “lawn,” but the “lawn” should at least either be in view or accessible for photos. We at the Daily PrintsAnything do not know why there would be a section in “Rights, Rules, Responsibilities” about Lawnparties, but we do know that it is poorly written and it took us a few hours to figure out what they were trying to say.

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Spencer Bauman is a co-head Humor editor. He is still trying to contact facilities to help get that one staffer out of the construction site fence prison. He can be reached at sbauman[at]princeton.edu.