The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
A magnitude 3.5 earthquake aftershock struck campus on April 9 at approximately 5:00 p.m. Despite coming a few days after Friday’s earthquake, aftershocks occurring days and even weeks after the fact are not all too uncommon.
Upon further investigation, the University discovered that the cause was not seismic activity, but rather the Class of 2027 crewneck distribution that was taking place at the same time. In attendance were over 900 frosh, all crowded into the hallways of Frist Campus Center’s second floor.
The DailyPrintsAnything spoke to a few attendees to learn more about the incident and its effects.
Rick Terscail ’27 was reportedly first in line for the event, having shown up “just a little after classes ended the previous day.” We spoke to Terscail in a tent he had set up where he slept the night before. Scattered around were several half-empty bottles of Tico’s Smoothies.
Terscail noted how the rest of the line for the event began forming over an hour before its scheduled start. Without much guidance, Frist Campus Center was soon mobbed with eager first-years.
According to attendee Sue Nawmie ’27, “Once they opened the doors, it was like a switch flipped in everyone’s head. There was running and shoving — it felt like rush hour at Late Meal but ten-fold.”
Indeed, tremors were not the only disaster the first-years faced, as the combined heat and odor of the entire prospective-COS department (and everyone else in attendance) pushed temperatures and humidity to dangerous levels. While no structural damage was observed, one student, putting on their crewneck in an apparent show of triumph, promptly passed out due to heatstroke.
In the meantime, the ‘Prints’ urges upperclassmen to steer clear of any fiendish first-year behaviors motivated by free merchandise and to firmly secure all belongings in expectation of further seismic activity caused by subsequent “merch drops.”
Sawyer Dilks is a staff Humor writer and member of the Class of 2027. He plans to wear his new crew neck for a week straight as a badge of honor for making it out of the event unscathed. Anyone with styling recommendations is encouraged to contact him at sd5123@princeton.edu.
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