The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
At 7:45 a.m. this morning, the Princeton Students Against Major Unacceptable Political Issues (PSAMUPI) released via social media that their protest scheduled for 4:30 p.m. today outside Robertson Hall was postponed due to poor weather conditions.
Their Instagram post read, “On account of low-speed winds and 40 percent chance of rain forecasted for this afternoon, we will no longer be congregating around the SPIA fountain. We hope for better protesting weather later in the month. Please stay tuned for new dates.”
This news upset some students who were passionate about the protest.
Avid environmentalist and environmental and evolutionary biology (EEB) concentrator Sarah Debrine ’26 expresses frustration about the postponement, saying it “reflects not only the failure to embrace the elements but also the poor prioritization of political issues that runs rife on Princeton’s campus.”
She continued, “The average Princeton student can take a chemistry test or finish a politics paper during an earthquake, but they can’t be bothered to stand outside with their cardboard signs in some rain to advocate for human rights?”
After the interview, Debrine asked the Daily PrintsAnything reporter if we thought she could put “protest” on her resume. We answered it would be worse if she didn’t.
Other students expressed their relief and gratefulness for the extra time in their days to catch up on their problem sets and reading assignments after the protest’s rescheduling.
PSAMUPI’s Vice President and self-confessed procrastinator Walter Kaizett ’25 defended the organization’s decision to reschedule the event. “These issues will still need us in a week. We can do it later. And, instead, do the studying we should have started two weeks ago now.”
PSAMUPI President and Psychology major Lauren Szan ’25 chalks the protest’s deferral up to an exercise of collective self-care. “The truth is, no one likes soggy socks. And even activists have to set boundaries.”
“Besides,” Szan added, “we used washable markers on most of our posters. It would be a pastel disaster. We would send the wrong message.”
The ‘Prints’ also sat down with women’s rights advocate and varsity rower Tabitha Joan ’24 after her daily two-hour Women’s Lightweight Rowing practice on Lake Carnegie, who shared Debrine’s sentiments.
“They postponed the protest for rain?” Joan shivered, shifting her body weight from foot to foot. Water could be heard sloshing around in her sneakers. “We were out there today on a freaking lake. In rowboats.”
“If your social justice mobilization can be stopped by subpar weather,” she continued, wringing water out of her bright orange Dri-FIT t-shirt, “I think you’ve gotta seriously reexamine your relationship with pain and your ability to live through it based on what is on the line.”
‘Prints’ reporters confirm that Joan appeared to be both soaking wet and super jealous.
Mya Koffie is an Associate Humor Editor and rower on the Princeton Women’s Lightweight Crew Team. She is getting way too used to wet socks and waiting patiently for May to bring flowers, already. You can reach her at mya.koffie@princeton.edu.
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