The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This Thursday, March 28, marks this year’s “Ivy day,” when a select group of applicants across the country will receive acceptances to the eight Ivy League colleges, which includes Princeton. These future members of the Class of 2028 will join a long line of Princetonians who came before them.
However, students were able to access an API containing the University’s admissions data two days before it was meant to be released. This follows a similar “Fizz” leak, through which Fall 2024 course offerings were prematurely accessed and released to the student body.
Attached below is the list of students accepted to Princeton’s Class of 2028.
PRINCETON 2028 ADMISSIONS DATA
Spencer Bauman ’25 is a head Humor editor studying Chemical and Biological Engineering.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is a head Humor editor studying Astrophysics.
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Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
