The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Following the lead of other campus a cappella groups, Princeton’s premier all-male and all-ORFE a cappella group, The Quarter-Zips, recently hosted a Valentine’s Day fundraiser where students could pay $10 for the group to sing a song to their special someone.
However, many students who received a singing-gram were not pleased.
“I was pooping in the bathroom and they came in and began belting ‘Mr. Brightside’ at the stall door,” said one senior, who wished to remain anonymous. “The timing was absolutely terrible, and the soloist was pretty pitchy.”
Another student told the Daily PrintsAnything that “they came into Late Meal wearing only jorts and quarter-zips cut into halter tops, butchering the lyrics to ‘The Real Slim Shady.’ I asked them to leave, but they followed me back to Forbes and sang Eminem’s greatest hits for another twenty minutes.”
Shruti Singh ’24 told the ‘Prints’ they ruined her Valentine’s date at Agricola by singing Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” “I swear, I didn’t choose that song. I just happen to always pick up the bill,” said her boyfriend.
“We also did a tight rendition of ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads,’” said music director Phineas Breaux. However, Breaux acknowledged that the act wasn’t as popular as the group had hoped, and they didn’t meet their fundraising goal.
“How else are we supposed to make money?” said Breaux, burning his tongue on coffee from his Morgan Stanley mug.
Caroline Rasmussen is a staff Humor writer. She’d love to hear the Quarter-Zip’s rendition of Karma Chameleon. She can be reached at cr3730@princeton.edu.
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