The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 is taking a more involved approach to combating the presence of personal electric vehicles (PEVs) on campus. Eisgruber was spotted several times this week wielding a 16-pound sledgehammer on his breakfast runs to Olives, chasing anyone who dared to operate a PEV in his presence.
The Daily PrintsAnything interviewed Richard Ryder ’27, one of Eisgruber’s latest victims, as he recovered from his injuries in the hospital. Ryder had been riding his electric scooter near Nassau Hall Monday morning on his way to class when Eisgruber emerged from a bush and tackled him off his scooter.
As Ryder lay dazed on the ground, the University President swiftly brought down his sledgehammer on Ryder’s kneecaps.
To obtain a more detailed account of the situation, the ‘Prints’ will be sending their most masochistic staff member to electrically scooter in front of Eisgruber tomorrow morning. We will keep you updated with the status of our staffer’s kneecaps as the story progresses.
Michael Hwang ’25 is a junior studying MAE and a staff Humor writer. He can be reached at myhwang@princeton.edu.
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Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
