The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Students woke up on Tuesday, Feb. 13 to Princeton’s heaviest snowfall in over two years. Snow continued throughout the morning, accumulating an overall depth of almost a third of a Greek cubit.
Although it has been 25 years since the last Nude Olympics took place, reverence for this legendary event is still pervasive in campus culture. In the days leading to the 13th, students became aware of the potential for heavy snowfall, so a few leaders stepped forward to bring back the event, spreading the word via Canvas, email, LinkedIn, and Ed Discussion that they would be reviving the Nude Olympics.
On Tuesday, students flocked to Holder Courtyard as early as 7 a.m. and stripped down while the snow was still falling. The competition was divided into two trials, with the same set of events. Some of these contests were the same as those in the original Nude Olympics, such as pushups, wheelbarrow races, and running, but this year’s competition also introduced some brand new events, including climbing the Holder Tower and hot dog eating, courtesy of the RoMa Dining Hall.
The first phase pitted representatives from each eating club against each other. Nine clubs were represented, with only Tiger Inn and Cloister failing to send any competitors. It is rumored that Tiger Inn has maintained its own secret, in-house Nude Olympics throughout the 21st century, so its members are supposedly saving their strength. Cloister’s athletic committee wanted to assemble a team but could not find any members who were not scared of water that isn’t in the liquid state.
The second phase was comprised of residential college teams. Yeh College, who sent their Yeti mascot as the single competitor, won by a landslide.
One of the organizers, Richard “Dick” Gross ’24, raved about the success of the event, repeatedly insisting, “I’d like to see them try and stop us!” and explaining how they “plan to hand down the organization of the event to some of [his] zees in Holder. Go Rocky Squirrels!”
Lauren Owens ’25 is a staff humor writer who has never participated in the Nude Olympics as far as her parents know.
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