The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Students reported being suddenly awakened at 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday, as Fire Safety recommenced dorm room inspections, though in a new and improved format.
Lynn Jerée ’25 recalled hearing inspectors declare their presence, bellowing “Fire safety inspection. May I come in?” Three seconds later, according to Jerée, Fire Safety barged into his room. He groggily attempted to cover himself with a blanket, but it was too late. They had already seen everything.
This has happened to too many of us. Thankfully, University Housing has recently implemented a program to eliminate the embarrassment of being caught half-naked during a fire inspection. Fire Safety will be patrolling the hallways of student dormitories blindfolded and performing inspections by touch in the hopes that students will be comforted by the fact that they will not be seen naked.
“We recognize that fire safety inspections may be invasive at times, so we wanted to ensure that we’re not making any students feel uncomfortable,” said Housing Inspector Hugh Jass. When asked to demonstrate what a blindfolded fire inspection might look like, Jass proceeded to stumble around the room, feeling for candle shaped-objects.
Upon encountering an electrical wire, Jass slowly slid his hands up and down its length, feeling around for a surge protector. Displaying the thoroughness of a true professional, Jass patted down everyone in the room, ensuring that they weren’t hiding any concealed “heat-producing appliances.” Licking his lips, he proudly declared the room was compliant with regulations and ran into the doorframe twice before finally finding the exit.
Despite Housing’s best efforts, it seems that this change is still insufficient in remediating tensions with students who have been seen naked by inspectors. Many students have already stuck pins into their furniture in preparation for the next round of sightless fire inspections, and Jerée even plans on leaving live wires around his room.
Michael Hwang ’25 is a staff Humor writer and can be reached at myhwang@princeton.edu. Fire safety lasts a lifetime.
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