The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Taking inspiration from the presidential turkey pardoning that occurs yearly on Thanksgiving, the Honor Committee has announced they will also be pardoning one student accused of violating the Honor Code.
“As we give thanks this fall, we should also forgive,” said Chair of the Honor Committee Ross Ponsabiliti ’24. “In that spirit of forgiveness, we’re offering a second chance at a legitimate academic career to one lucky offender.”
Those eligible to be pardoned will include students reported for working together on group projects, exam-takers who misspelled the Honor Pledge, and confused first-years in COS126 who probably did nothing wrong.
The pardoned student will be selected based on a number of personal hygiene criteria. This will include observing the personality of their body odor and checking how thoroughly they brush their tongue.
“If I had known that we’d be pardoning someone, I would have made sure we convicted more students,” said Sophomore Class President Lee Derr ’26, appointed to a one-year term on the Committee. “There were at least 10 kids whose note sheets had suspiciously small handwriting on the ORF245 midterm.”
“I know I deserved to get Honor Coded for forgetting to thank my writing sem professor on my R2 acknowledgments page, but I have my fingers crossed that the righteous and benevolent committee will give me a second chance,” said Dee Seever ’27, who nervously asked if any of us were on the Honor Committee. “I’m excited for the Princeton community to witness the generosity [of the Honor Committee] at the pardoning ceremony.”
The pardoning ceremony will be held over Zoom at sunset on Thanksgiving evening so the candidates and their families can spend their valuable vacation time worrying about the fate of their academic careers in the company of their loved ones.
Ben Kim ’25 is a contributing Humor writer who is experiencing rapid and severe economic inflation. He can be reached at bk7114@princeton.edu.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is an associate Humor editor whose hemorrhoids have gotten quite appalling, if she may say so herself. She can be reached at sv1456@princeton.edu.
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