The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This morning, an unexpected handwritten message from alumnus Sen. Ted Cruz ’92 (R-Texas) was found in the mailbox of Whig-Clio. Unfortunately, the Daily PrintsAnything was unable to obtain a physical copy, because the last staff member to handle the letter disappeared.
The envelope was labeled “Opinion on the Expression of Free Speech at Princeton University,” though we are finding it difficult to determine what his opinion actually is. An image of the letter is shown below.
The letter roughly translates to "I will have my revenge on Princeton Tower Club for hosing me three times. I will have my revenge on the liberal snowflake alumni who condemned me. Mark my words, vengeance will be mine."
Michael Hwang / The Daily Princetonian
The letter was accompanied by a blood-soaked strip of what appears to be a paisley bathrobe. Cruz was infamous for donning a similar bathrobe while loitering around the dormitories of female students in his first year.
The Daily PrintsAnything staff attempted to contact the members of Whig-Clio to identify potential witnesses, but there were no members left to contact. In accordance with ethical journalism practices, we instead began to speculate wildly.
Although it is unknown why Cruz chose to deliver his opinion in such a cryptic manner, we believe that it may be an anti-liberal countermeasure against the prying eyes of the fake news media. This is corroborated by the fact that the entire staff of the Daily PrintsAnything could not understand the message, no doubt due to a surplus of wokes and socialists.
We instead invite the critically endangered campus conservative, Princeton Pro-Life, the Anscombe Society, and members of the Princeton Tory masthead to assist in deciphering this letter.
The Daily PrintsAnything reached out to Cruz for comment but has yet to receive a response in English.
Michael Hwang ’25 recently found a note with ciphertext painted in blood attached to his door. He was fined by Fire Safety.
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