The following is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In the spirit of Halloween, the University plans to celebrate with holiday-themed orange and black decorations all around campus, with the intention of once again “winning Halloween.” The University hopes to once again top the U.S. News and World Report’s ranking of schools’ Halloween celebrations, an achievement now held for 174 consecutive years.
The Daily PrintsAnything sat down with Dean of the College Jill Dolan for her comments on the hopeful “holiday victory.”
“We work 24/7 every year to maintain our position at the top of that Fright List.” She explained, “Ever since the embarrassing Harvard stint in 1849, our university has been committed to festive excellence and being generally better than everyone else.”
Dr. Gloria Fontana, a professor in the classics department, affirmed Dean Dolan’s statement, emphasizing the University’s devotion not only during spooky season but all year long.
“As Heraclitus said, ‘Big results require big ambitions.’ We are standing on the backs of giants at this institution, and furthering the legacy they have left behind requires drastic measures,” said Fontana.
Aforementioned “measures” involve an explosion of black and orange across campus. Perusing the grounds and its essential buildings, one finds that decorative orange lights adorn Nassau Hall, while festive orange mail carts zip in and out of Frist Campus Center. U-Store management has similarly filled this shopping staple with orange and black merch to celebrate the fast-approaching, most-important day of the Princeton calendar year.
In addition, students have been finding festive orange food in the dining halls, including orange cookies, orange Fanta, and orange-colored chicken. One spokesperson from Campus Dining commented, “Oh, the chicken is orange? Yeah … that’s just … food coloring. Definitely on purpose.”
Dolan concluded her statements to the ‘Prints’ saying that she “hopes to make Halloween an even bigger event next year.” University administration has already designated a standing committee for organizing a Pe-Rade (Petrifying Parade) to complement the Pre- and P-Rades observed throughout the year for next October. Additional plans to paint the steps of Blair Arch in an alternating pattern of these two scary colors — so as to ensure they better resemble Halloween Oreos — are well underway.
Mya Koffie is a first-year contributing Humor writer. She can be reached at mya.koffie@princeton.edu
Read More
Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
