Princeton re-invests in fossil fuels, citing ‘it’s too cold out’

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

In the wake of dropping temperatures, the Board of Trustees has voted to re-invest in fossil fuels after the historic decision in Sept. 2022 to both dissociate from over 90 companies in the fossil fuel industry and have PRINCO (Princeton University Investment Company) remove all holdings from such businesses.

Autumn’s early arrival in New Jersey this year seems to be the root cause of this most recent decision. As temperatures have cooled, the board has decided that divestment from fossil fuels will not have any long-term benefit, as was previously thought.

Young Alumni Trustee Isa Hoaks ’21 discussed the board's decision. “We made the historic decision to dissociate from fossil fuels in the summer. At the time, rising temperatures were apparent: It was really hot outside! And since the University has no plans to install air conditioning, neither energy sources, nor money at all to be frank, seemed particularly important,” Hoaks said.

“Things have changed,” Hoaks said solemnly, describing how the unexpected drop in temperatures has led the University to focus on its bottom line especially amid mounting evidence that global warming does not seem to be panning out.

Hoaks summarized the board’s most recent meeting, explaining how they “primarily discussed the overwhelming evidence that fossil fuels are really not a problem because the global climate is not actually warming, as some people like to claim. I mean, have you been outside recently? It’s been getting colder and colder for weeks now.”

Another trustee echoed Hoaks’ sentiments, saying “At this point, we almost need some more of the greenhouse effect to warm us up! The board decided that re-investing to help raise temperatures was really the best way to put ourselves in the service of humanity.”

Hoaks, who concentrated in geoscience during her time at Princeton, added that “there were a few board members who said something about how the weather just gets colder during some periods of the year, but even then, if it gets COLDER outside, that’s quite literally the opposite of global warming. Some people will never believe the truth even though it’s so blatantly obvious.”