This content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sept. 16, the administration released a statement announcing that a member of the first-year class was finally rescued from the wilderness of southern New York.
The identity of this individual, as confirmed by the administration, is Mark McCalister ’76. Currently 69 years old, McCalister claims he has been searching the forest of Harriman State Park for his first-year Outdoor Action (OA) group for the past 51 years.
According to members of ‘Bear With Me,’ the hiking club responsible for rescuing McCalister, he requested to be brought back to campus so he could clean up and finish his Orientation events. “He said he was looking forward to the Step Sing and having sex with every member of his ‘zee group.’ I’m not quite sure what that means,” said Frederick Boothe, the leader of the group.
“When we found him, he was completely naked, except for a bandana he had fashioned out of an excrement-stained ‘NIXON’S THE ONE’ t-shirt,” said Amy Castillo, a member of ‘Bear With Me.’ “He was curled up into a ball within a nest made of his own hair, possibly of armpit origin.”
In an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything, McCalister refused to speak to any female reporters, stating that he didn’t believe any of them attended Princeton or knew how to read.
During the interview, McCalister repeatedly yelled at reporters to find his high school girlfriend “Rachel something” who has red hair and “the meatiest calves I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
After returning to society and learning to use technology, McCalister’s first tweet read, “I can’t believe RFK is running for president again. I guess he recovered from that assassination attempt?”
While the administration is boasting a successful end to a decades-long search, local police records suggest that no search was ever conducted nor was a missing person ever reported.
According to the University’s enrollment archives, it appears that McCalister was stricken from the first-year class list in early September of 1972, following the return of OA groups to campus. Foul play is suspected.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is an associate Humor editor. Her therapist describes her as ‘clinically bangable’.
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