This content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sept. 16, the administration released a statement announcing that a member of the first-year class was finally rescued from the wilderness of southern New York.
The identity of this individual, as confirmed by the administration, is Mark McCalister ’76. Currently 69 years old, McCalister claims he has been searching the forest of Harriman State Park for his first-year Outdoor Action (OA) group for the past 51 years.
According to members of ‘Bear With Me,’ the hiking club responsible for rescuing McCalister, he requested to be brought back to campus so he could clean up and finish his Orientation events. “He said he was looking forward to the Step Sing and having sex with every member of his ‘zee group.’ I’m not quite sure what that means,” said Frederick Boothe, the leader of the group.
“When we found him, he was completely naked, except for a bandana he had fashioned out of an excrement-stained ‘NIXON’S THE ONE’ t-shirt,” said Amy Castillo, a member of ‘Bear With Me.’ “He was curled up into a ball within a nest made of his own hair, possibly of armpit origin.”
In an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything, McCalister refused to speak to any female reporters, stating that he didn’t believe any of them attended Princeton or knew how to read.
During the interview, McCalister repeatedly yelled at reporters to find his high school girlfriend “Rachel something” who has red hair and “the meatiest calves I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
After returning to society and learning to use technology, McCalister’s first tweet read, “I can’t believe RFK is running for president again. I guess he recovered from that assassination attempt?”
While the administration is boasting a successful end to a decades-long search, local police records suggest that no search was ever conducted nor was a missing person ever reported.
According to the University’s enrollment archives, it appears that McCalister was stricken from the first-year class list in early September of 1972, following the return of OA groups to campus. Foul play is suspected.
Sophia Varughese ’26 is an associate Humor editor. Her therapist describes her as ‘clinically bangable’.
Read More
Princeton, we don’t need free speech — we need fee speech
Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
Princeton Debate Panel hosts argument preparation for Thanksgiving
Daily PrintsAnything StaffThe Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
The Princeton Debate Panel (PDP) hosted a “Prepsgiving” workshop, where students were taught how to most effectively debate their family members. This workshop covered a wide range of topics, from immigration rights to Trump’s cabinet picks, and introduced students to winning tactics.
Over half of the Politics department switched majors following the election
Spencer BaumanAn email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
An email was sent to all undergraduate students at 12:24 p.m. on Wednesday, Nov. 6, saying that TigerHub was down for repairs following the “unprecedented number of students attempting to switch departments.”
