The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
One month after implementing restrictions on personal electric vehicles (PEVs), the University has announced an expansion to the PEV-restricted zone. A campus message issued on Sept. 20 reads, “After a rigorous review, the Environmental Safety and Risk Management Committee (ESRM) has concluded that ongoing construction may impact the safety of PEV usage off-campus. As such, we cannot safely condone student usage of PEVs without expanding the PEV-restricted zone.”
The updated map is shown below.
Michael Hwang / The Daily Princetonian
The ESRM cites the alarmingly high “construction sites per square mile per capita” statistic (the actual number was not provided) as a key factor driving the expanded restrictions slightly past the borders of campus.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to ESRM committee president Paul Kim, who insisted on conducting an interview via landline phone due to “safety concerns about 5G.”
“We’ve realized that construction is not limited to the Princeton area, and that makes the world very dangerous for PEV users,” Kim said. “Last week, my cousin’s son was driving his mini monster truck down the street when an excavator destroyed the road directly in front of him, causing him to swerve into a traffic cone. I don’t actually have a cousin, but the point is that my story sounds believable, and that means it can happen to anyone.”
Kim repeatedly assured the ‘Prints’ that the ESRM performs highly rigorous risk assessments when making decisions.
The new restrictions take effect next week, and violators will be forced to walk to class.
Michael Hwang ’25 is a contributing Humor writer who used to ride an electric scooter when he was in elementary school.
