The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In an attempt to increase the authenticity of cultural expression around campus, University administration has announced planned changes to a number of University-run cultural events, starting with RoMa’s Saturday Indian dinners.
These changes will include a new uniform including sarees and kurtas made of craft felt as well as “those pointy shoes they wear in Aladdin,” said Sal Adbar, Director of Dining Services.
“At what point in the serving of tofu coconut ‘curry’ is it required to dress like an Indian bride?” asked Katherine Anderson, a member of RoMa’s dining hall staff. “I can’t even tell you how many pounds of clip-on nose rings have fallen into this food.”
The music previously played during dinner has reportedly been changed to more culturally appropriate Indian pieces, including Bollywood movie soundtracks and Hindustani classical music.
Some students have noted that the new music is actually an Arabic rendition of Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run’ on loop.
“We’ve also displayed shrines honoring many different types of cows, as is customary in the Hindu religion,” said Adbar. “I’m particularly proud of our veneration of Otis, the star of Nickelodeon’s ‘Back at the Barnyard’.”
This inclusion of cultural symbols has forced costs to be cut elsewhere. The decision was made to begin serving chicken in an alphabet soup broth flavored with five-spice, which will be advertised as both “butter chicken” and “chicken tikka masala.”
“We’re not too concerned about cutting food costs,” said Adbar. “We’re really only switching from Campbell’s Tomato to Campbell’s Alphabet, so a decline in quality is not to be expected.”
Sophia Varughese ’26 is an Indian associate Humor editor. She was the whitest Indian and Indianest white at her PWI private high school.
