The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The next few years will bring the renovation of Guyot Hall to house a sprawling computer science complex, forcing the departments of Geosciences (GEO), Ecology and Evolutionary Biology (EEB), and Environmental Studies to move to the new Environmental Studies and the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (ES + SEAS) complex when it is completed in 2025. In preparation for this change, Arnold the Allosaurus, the Guyot Dinosaur, plans to switch its major.
The Daily PrintsAnything spoke to Chair of the Computer Science Department Dee Bugg to understand what this change means for Arnold.
“This department switch is occurring pretty late in Arnold’s Princeton career, extremely unprecedented if you ask me. Guess you can teach an old fossil new tricks,” Bugg said.
Chair of the EEB Department See Bugg also spoke on the switch.
“Whoa, no one’s ever asked for my comment before. I thought you all forgot about us over here in the EEB Department.”
She continued, “Extinction is inevitable. First the dinosaurs, now thousands of species around the world. Next, students of the natural sciences. Once it was a meteor, now it’s the promise of a f**king Google sweatshirt and water bottle.”
“Tech is the future,” Arnold told the ‘Prints.’ “It’s a tough world out there for extinct species. The least I could do is come out of here with an engineering degree, something useful.”
Arnold’s announcement comes after the Class of 2025 showed a decrease in declarations for Computer Science (COS) B.S.E. amid sizable tech layoffs.
“I mean I’ll still be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made-up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold said.
Arnold still plans to minor in the newly-announced Climate Science program, as he has already fulfilled a lot of prerequisites for EEB and GEO and “does not want them to go to waste, just like [his] AP scores from during the pandemic.”
Spencer Bauman is a head Humor editor and a sophomore studying Chemical and Biological Engineering. He will be taking an EEB class next semester for the first time to “get away from the CBE department for a bit and clear his head.”
Liana Slomka is a head Humor editor and a senior studying Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, which she declared solely so she could hang out with Arnold, and also because she thought it stood for “Eating Eggs and Beans.”
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Tarun Iyengar“For far too long, we have taken a woke, beta-male, socialist approach to the First Amendment. In other words, students have not needed to pay for their words and actions. The University serves up student rights on a fine silver platter just like their mommies and daddies did.”
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