The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This past Thursday, Mar. 16, Princetonians everywhere opened Twitter to see a familiar university trending number one. The short glimpse of fame came after the 15-seed Princeton Tigers neutered the two-seed University of Arizona Wildcats in the first round of mens’ NCAA March Madness.
While some students report being unfamiliar with the term “basketball,” the sudden spike in notoriety launched campus into a storm. Following subsequent victories for both the men’s and women’s teams in a show-stopping weekend, The Daily PrintsAnything fielded several reactions from campus community members.
“It’s official, the glory days of Princeton are here,” Reginald Bartholomew ’25, a Classics concentrator who carried a stack of books as he entered Firestone Library, told the ‘Prints.’ “We’re a basketball school now, and we’re here to stay! Next stop: the Super Bowl!”
Another student, Timothy Montgomery ’26, said “It felt great to finally get texts from all of the cool kids who ignored me in high school. I even got a text from my old crush at Arizona State!”
Along with students, the games were closely followed by administrators. For some, however, these proceedings were no cheerful matter. After the Tigers’ historic victory, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 swiftly moved to disband the Department of Operations Research & Financial Engineering (ORFE), whose probabilistic modeling erroneously predicted that the Arizona Wildcats would come out on top.
In a statement to the ‘Prints,’ Eisgruber wrote, “I had these guys running my investment accounts, and if I can’t count on their basketball predictions, I sure as heck can’t count on their financial advice.”
The move has left many mathematicians out of jobs, who were once again bested by the darn sporty kids.
Walker Penfield is a Humor writer from Mendon, Mass., a past victim of the ORFE department, and a tangential observer of basketball. He can be reached at wpenfield@princeton.edu.
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