The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Earlier this month, the Daily PrintsAnything published a heart-wrenching story of a young man cursed with a massive hog. Many students have since posted on social media and contacted the ‘Prints’ to disclose that they too suffer from this devastating affliction. The Office of Endowment Support also reports being inundated with emails and phone calls from students wanting to discuss their penis sizes.
In response to these reports, Counseling & Psychological Services (CPS) is now offering mental health counseling for students with larger-than-average penises. Despite wait times for mental health counseling averaging 14 days, CPS will be offering same-day appointments to see a counselor trained in treating well-endowed men by the Pete Davidson Institute.
Any student with an erect penis measuring over 7” in length or 6” in girth will qualify for this new counseling program. CPS has posted charts in all dorm hallways that students can use to measure their erect penises.
There is evidence of this being a widespread problem; Princeton students have larger than average penises, according to self-reported data from ‘Prints’ humor writers. “No one should have to hang pipe alone,” stated one of these students, who we will not name despite his vigorous protests.
However, not all afflictions of the male genitalia are created equal. After one student wrote to the Sexpert about his microscopic penis and the resulting sexual insecurity, the Sexpert responded, “Did your mother teach you to talk like that? This is extremely inappropriate. Please never contact us again,” according to a student who begged us to remain anonymous.
Sam McComb and Sophia Varughese are associate humor editors and are certified by the Pete Davidson Institute.
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