The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Responding to years of opposition to the bicker system to join eating clubs, the Interclub Council (ICC) implemented a new process this year, modeled after course registration. Sophomores could sign on to the ICC website, TigerClub, and join the eating club of their choice at precisely 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday, Feb. 8.
“We wanted to reduce stress for everyone involved,” said ICC president N. Clu Sivity ’23. “We thought really hard about how we could create an anxiety-free, equitable way to get everyone into a club, that would yield the minimum amount of disappointment, and we realized the University already does that every semester with course registration.”
Bicker has long been criticized for being exclusionary and overly stressful for sophomores attempting to join clubs, as well as the members being asked to judge bickerees based on short conversations. The new system is intended to be much less stressful, according to Sivity.
“This way, sophomores only need to worry about their WiFi connection. Of course, once they select a club, the club members still need to decide whether to accept them, based only on their prox picture,” she said.
“TigerClub, like the course enrollment site TigerHub, was constructed intentionally not to crash unless more than 200 people tried to access it at the same moment,” said web designer Ty Ping ’23.
He added, “While we can’t guarantee that everyone gets into their first choice club, we do link to a Google Doc with every club president’s personal email and Venmo accounts.”
“I got a bunch of those emails,” said one club president. “I took the money, marked them all as read, and deleted them. I could get used to this.”
Sophomores who are placed in clubs have until the end of Add/Drop period to leave the club. If they miss the deadline, they will be required to pay a $45 fee. If they stay in the club, they will be required to pay up to $10,000 for membership.
Liana Slomka is a co-head Humor Editor. As a senior, she never has to enroll in courses or bicker ever again. Thank goodness.
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