The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
In a wholesale approach to the cheating “epidemic” on campus, University administrators have approved a new subcommittee of the Honor Committee to investigate and punish students who cheat on their significant others.
The subcommittee was proposed by the hardline Snitches Get Babes (SGB) faction of the committee, following the release of a new study from the Anscombe Society, which claimed that those who were unfaithful in relationships were “three times more likely to cheat in academic contexts.”
“We’re proud to be advocating for a morally upstanding campus — in more ways than one,” Anscombe President Chaz Deedee ’26 told The Daily PrintsAnything.
The University gave the subcommittee power to punish offending students by requiring them to wear Dartmouth sweatshirts.
“It’s a well known fact that a Dartmouth sweater is the most effective red flag,” said Dean of the College Jill Dolan. “Hopefully, that will incentivize convicted students against repeated offenses.”
The first task of the subcommittee will be to determine what exactly constitutes cheating in the context of relationships.
“Some cases will be easier to adjudicate than others,” said subcommittee member Sentra Elperk ’24. “But a gray area exists in scenarios where, for example, one partner insists that they were ‘on a break.’”
Membership lists for the subcommittee obtained by The Daily PrintsAnything revealed that seven of its eight members have no prior dating experience, drawing criticism from students about how to adjudicate cases that come before them.
“You’re telling me they can punish us for having more game than them?” Slu Thera ’25 said. “It’s not my fault that men want me and fish fear me.”
The subcommittee is set to meet this week and next in order to prepare for when it begins hearing cases on Feb. 14.
José Pablo Fernández García is a senior and head editor emeritus for The Prospect. Due to his concentration, he’s signed the honor pledge in French more times than in English.
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