The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
This morning, huddled masses gathered in the University Chapel to mourn the grave loss of the Wilcox dining hall (1492–2023). Church bells rang across Central New Jersey, accompanied by a 21-gun salute by Princeton ROTC. Notable Princeton alumni, including U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor ’76 and actress Brooke Shields ’87, attended the memorial.
Celebrity chef Rachael Ray read a eulogy:
“Spanning generations, Princetonians have joined hands to feast in the grand Wilcox Hall, where the clinking of silverware and the murmurs of refined conversation echoed through the chamber at any given meal. Here, amidst the opulent linoleum and plush canvas seating, one can partake in a culinary experience fit for royalty (or the liberal academic elite).
“But alas, the good times cannot last forever. As Princeton students brave the start of their Spring semester, returning to an all-too-familiar hustle and bustle, Wilcox Hall lies dormant, readying itself for its inevitable demise.
“Wilcox Hall was dedicated during the Battle of Princeton when Alexander Hamilton was fed a muffin by General Wilcox. We will always remember our institution’s history, even as this landmark is demolished to make space for a new post-modern, open-concept abstract dining hall.
“Despite its passing, Wilcox Hall’s legacy will live on. Its absence will be felt by all who knew it, and its memory will be cherished for years to come. Or at least weeks. Long live the refined Wilcox Pizza. Long live the illustrious Wilcox Salad Bar. Long live the supple Wilcox Chicken. You shall never be forgotten.
“Now, let us raise our glasses and embrace those around us as we sing goodbye:
In praise of Old Wilcox we sing,
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
Our hearts will give, while we shall live,
Three cheers for Old Wilcox.”
Walker Penfield is an economics concentrator and former Wilcox enjoyer from Mendon, Massachusetts. He will miss the convenient lunch spot and dreads the forthcoming protracted waits at Yeh/NCW.
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