The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has declared the rapid spread of a cappella groups on campus a “public health emergency.” According to research shared with The Daily PrintsAnything, there are approximately 5,000 undergraduate students at the University and over 8,000 a cappella groups. If recent trends continue, the average Princeton student will likely belong to three or four a cappella groups by 2024.
“Our concern is that the virus could mutate,” University Health Services said in an emailed statement. “It starts with an increase in a cappella groups, but then they become glee clubs. Before you know it, your campus is overrun with barbershop quartets.”
Efforts to preempt the crisis included prohibiting the recruitment of first-years during orientation week, due to an incident last year that sent six students to Princeton Medical Center after they tried to harmonize an advanced bridge section without a proper vocal warm-up.
There are now so many a cappella groups on campus that students have run out of ideas for new groups.
One group, OverKrill, is only recruiting students with shellfish allergies. Another group, Prose and Cons, advertises itself as Princeton’s first a cappella group for English concentrators who have parents imprisoned for white-collar crimes.
One upperclassman wanted to name his a cappella group after his iPhone 12’s factory serial number but learned that a group called DPL53-WX was already holding auditions.
Some analysts fear the epidemic will spread internationally. British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has since banned all collegiate a cappella groups from entering the United Kingdom after a group of Colby College students visiting London formed six new a cappella groups in Trafalgar Square.
Princeton is even considering switching to virtual learning for certain vulnerable populations, especially sopranos and countertenors.
“As the mother of a very impressionable soprano, I want to know that my daughter will be safe,” one mother commented on the Princeton Parents Facebook page.
Sam McComb is a contributing Humor writer. He is under investigation for eating soft-shell crab at an OverKrill concert.
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