The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
A survey recently conducted by the data section of The Daily PrintsAnything found that roughly one in seven members of the class of 2023 are in reality just two members of the class of 2026 stacked on top of each other underneath a trenchcoat.
The survey was released following rising suspicions of these “pseudo-seniors.” Individuals in trenchcoats were seen sneaking into eating clubs, while repeatedly shouting the word “thesis” in order to blend in. Others began to notice these strange individuals when “a mysterious third arm” would come out the front of the trenchcoat to grab some food. Further suspicions were raised when a loud cartoonish burp would sound from underneath the trenchcoat, followed by the visible first-year slapping their forehead in embarrassment.
In a memo sent to all undergraduate students, administration reassured the student body that “all necessary measures are being taken” to combat this issue. Such measures include thorough screenings at eating clubs and the lowering of all University doorframes by two feet. The University hopes the second measure will cause these “frosh stacks” to exaggeratedly topple over while trying to duck under the unreasonably low door frame.
Following the release of the memo, a video message was posted on the Princeton University Instagram page, showing Dean of the College Jill Dolan wearing a trenchcoat and attempting to debunk the “myth” of the “frosh stacks” and assuring the students that “we — sorry — they do not exist.”
Some students pointed out that the Jill Dolan in the video looked and sounded slightly different from how she normally does, to which she replied, “I caught the freshman plague and I got a haircut.”
The 'Prints' will continue to update monitor the situation and update this piece, as the situation evolves.
Spencer Bauman is a sophomore majoring in chemical and biological engineering, and he hopes Dean Dolan will send him an email saying she loved the article. He can be reached (by Dean Dolan) at sbauman@princeton.edu.
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