The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
- Burn your masks and a printout of Dean Dolan’s COVID-19 emails, breathing in the smoke to weaken your lungs.
- Make out with everyone on Prospect Avenue who has a runny nose and gives verbal consent.
- Cuddle with your roommate.
- Violently cough in their face and touch every surface in your dorm, claiming you’re “fine,” and “definitely don't have COVID-19.”
- Don’t test for COVID-19, saying “it’s totally optional.”
- When your roommate gets sick, gaslight them into thinking they caught the Princeton Plague.
- Deny everything.
- Force your roommate to isolate in a partially deconstructed broom closet in First College.
- Enjoy your new single.
Vitus Larrieu is a writer for Humor and Podcasts. He is currently procrastinating his maths p-set and can be reached at vl7131@princeton.edu.
Read More
Princeton won’t divest from Israel if you won’t
Roberto Sampaio“I find it hard to make decisions too,” Arthur Patterson ’27 said. “What if I say I want to study at Firestone, but all my friends secretly wanted to study in Frist and didn’t tell me as a test. Now they all hate me. This has happened before. With three different friend groups.”
Princeton should play its Trump card and DOGE the funding attacks
Tarun IyengarWe have the chance to create a valuable partnership with the powers that be and avoid the fate of some of our more naïve friends across the Ivy League. Nevertheless, it will require us to do more than just remove the DEI from our motto “Dei sub numine viget”. Using the following steps below, we can ensure Old Nassau lives as long as those 300 year old geezers who are still collecting Social Security checks.
We have the chance to create a valuable partnership with the powers that be and avoid the fate of some of our more naïve friends across the Ivy League. Nevertheless, it will require us to do more than just remove the DEI from our motto “Dei sub numine viget”. Using the following steps below, we can ensure Old Nassau lives as long as those 300 year old geezers who are still collecting Social Security checks.
New club aims to entertain humanities majors during midterms week
Francesca VolkemaDuring this harrowing week, one group of students that find themselves lacking excitement: humanities majors. To combat this discrepancy, the University has introduced a new club called FUNdamentals, the purpose of which is to host activities for humanities majors wanting to feel included in the hustle and bustle of midterms.
During this harrowing week, one group of students that find themselves lacking excitement: humanities majors. To combat this discrepancy, the University has introduced a new club called FUNdamentals, the purpose of which is to host activities for humanities majors wanting to feel included in the hustle and bustle of midterms.