The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
On Sept. 6, a record 401 students attended CHM 201: General Chemistry I., where the professor began the lecture by saying, “Everyone look at the person to your right. Now look to your left. These will be your classmates in Intro to Anthropology next semester.”
“I just know that witnessing a world-renowned scientist read the syllabus straight from his slides will set me on the path to an ORFE degree,” said N. Janeer ’26, who will declare Slavic Languages and Literature next semester.
Priya Med ’26 plans to major in neuroscience with a certificate in quantitative and computational biology.
“My advisor convinced me to take this class with MOL 214 and PHY 101, and I am confident that it will change my life!” she said.
She has already created an alternate TigerPath page, with the possibility of a Near Eastern Studies concentration and certificates in jazz studies and musical performance.
“We were excited by the amount of enthusiasm in the room,” recalled head preceptor Will Faleyu ’21, *41. “The professor was beaming, and he told me that out of all 400 students, there could even be tens of future doctors in the class.”
At press time, ANT 201: Introduction to Anthropology has added 200 more seats.
Andrew Johnson is a staff writer in Humor and The Prospect, chasing his lifelong dreams every day as a junior in the politics department.
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